Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Apple's Big Wet Sloppy Valentine to Itself, Delivered eight months early
No real surprise that comments are disabled on YouTube for this suffocating, slow-moving tidal wave of pretentious bullshit from our friends at Apple.
After all, I'm sure the people at Apple of California realize that thirty seconds of pleasuring themselves by quietly, matter-of-factly explaining to us Lessers why their technology is basically the reason why the Earth continues to spin and we continue to find reasons to get up in the morning was going to earn them more than a little snarky feedback from viewers who don't think that staring at a glowing box is the Greatest Thing Anyone Can Ever Expect From Life. Kind of funny that a company which constantly claims to be at the vanguard of Free Speech ("free speech" meaning "share everything about yourself, constantly") would disallow comments about it's ads, but who expects consistency these days?
(Let alone using one to determine whether something else "Deserves to Exist." What the HELL does that even MEAN?)
A few people might even take exception to the suggestion that the characters shown in utter rapture over their Apple devices owe every bit of happiness to the company that Makes It All Possible, which Did We Mention Is HQ'd In California? They might point out that far less than one percent of the population of the planet owns one of Apple's overpriced "connectivity" toys, and yet at least a fair portion of those Deprived Without Even Knowing It Luddites manage to get dressed, get outside, and do something worthwhile Every. Single. Day.
But guess what, Apple? You forgot to disable embedding for this video. So until you go back in and mark it as Private, I get to call you on your self-congratulatory asshattery, and kindly suggest that you make a hard copy of your commercial on a DVD, break it in half, and shove both shards up your rectum. Or just get the hell over yourselves already. Because one scene after another of people gazing lovingly at screens don't convince all of us that Apple Is Absolutely Necessary For Happiness, but ads like this do convince people like me that Apple hires only the most disgustingly pompous preeners on the planet to make it's commercials (not it's products, though- that's a job only starving Chinese preteen girls can do, apparently.)