Friday, July 26, 2013
The Future of Brain-Dead, Fat, Pasty, Socially Retarded America. I Get It.
This summer, commercials trumpeting "the future of Awesome" are becoming even more aggressive, with the narrator taking a hammer labeled "When You Get It, You GET IT!" to our brains every other ad break. What we are supposed to "Get," of course, is that while the sun is streaming through the windows and there are flowers to pick, balls to throw, bikes to ride and lakes to swim, what's REALLY AWESOME is when everyone in the family has their own screen to gaze at while drool drips down their chins (yes, that's a plural) and there is absolutely no lag time between downloads which might encourage someone to, I don't know, GET UP AND WALK AROUND EVEN A LITTLE BIT.
Or, hell, even TALK to those other life forms which seem to inhabit that house with you. Because conversations might move beyond "check out this movie" to dangerous stuff like "what the hell are we doing indoors on such a lovely day" or "I'm blowing my summer vacation watching tv? Really?" Can't have that.
So let's all listen to the very insistent narrator, sign up for Fios, equip everyone in the house with personalized idiot boxes, and settle down for "Endless Fun" until our eyes melt out of our heads and our bodies atrophy into warm, useless mush. Because that's the Future of Awesome, after all, and the future can't come fast enough for us, right?
But, geesh..at least, pull the damn shades. The glare off my screen is really annoying, besides the fact that it gives me this unpleasant feeling that there might be something more to life than becoming part of the couch while my waistband expands.