Friday, January 17, 2014
And the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse shall arrive riding a Perfect Bacon Bowl
This is the End. It has to be. Because seriously, unless the next quickie-cheap TV commercial I see is for Cheese-Coated Lard on a Stick, there is just no WAY it gets worse than this.
What's the matter, America? Not dying of heart disease fast enough? We don't have enough problems in this country that desperately need solving that a group of soulless money-grubbers came up with a whole new way to make eating four servings of bacon at once even MORE fun?
Remember when you thought the KFC Double Down "sandwich" was a crime against humanity (as a refresher for those of you who have-like me- managed to avoid it, it consists of bacon and cheese held together by two pieces of boneless fried chicken?) Well, what are we going to call THIS monstrosity?
Thinking of having the gang together to eat four cheeseburgers each? Well, forget the buns- just stick them into these crunchy "bacon bowls." Not only are they fun, but they're also a time saver-you get three meals worth of calories in one sitting! Thought that Mac'n Cheese couldn't possibly be more poisonous? Well, that's because you never imagined that anyone would think to invent a Mac n' Cheese Delivery System made of pig fat!
(And you thought you'd never get your kids to eat Mac n' Cheese! Now it's all they want! Look, they are about to suck down four "bowls" each! What's that, a pound of bacon and a week's worth of salt in one meal? Mission Accomplished!)
And I thought the Perfect Potato looked dumb. Jeesh, at least potatoes have some nutritional value and won't kill you (unless you drown them in bacon bits, sour cream and cheese, like the commercial tells you to.) This thing has probably already been banned in New York City, and the rest of the country should follow suit before it's too late.
I mean, look at that guy about to break his couch- yeah, he needs bacon-bowl cheeseburgers.
(Bacon Bowl Ice Cream Sundaes....Ummm...hey, remember those microwavable milkshakes? I never got to try one of those. Why didn't they catch on? Ahead of their time?)