Sunday, January 30, 2011

Been Paranoid?

Check out these frightened losers. Somewhere down the road, something truly horrible happened to each one of them, and now they are so freaking damaged that they are willing to endorse a product which allows you to check out the background of anyone you might come into contact with- your postman, your next-door neighbor, that guy who seemed to look at you funny on the bus the other day, the waiter at your favorite local hangout, your Father in Law...

"This guy I met online could be ANYONE..." yes indeed, he could. And if he's a methodical, stalking nutcase, he's not going to be frightened away by your request for his name. He'll give you the name of an acquaintance, neighbor, whoever, and you'll think you're safe to meet him at the corner of Doom and God Knows Where at 2 AM because hey, after all, BeenVerified said he was Ok.

"Online Dating can be scary"- and stupid, and sad. Seriously, if you've been driven to Online Dating, you're probably just one disappointing date away from writing to guys on death row anyway. Hey, their background checks are easy to do, at least!

Basically, this looks like a product which could have been created by the same people who brought us Brinks Security and the hilarious "home invasion" ads. The world is a big, scary place filled with scumbags who want to rape you and kill you, not necessarily in that order. So you'd better arm yourself. And don't think that purchasing an electronic fence for your house is going to cut it. You still go outside sometimes, you know. And that's where the predators are waiting for you.

I especially like the Terrified but Otherwise Thrilled to be Fertile woman in this commercial, who simply cannot stop letting us know that she's pregnant. "You don't know who to trust" with her hand gently resting on her stomach. "My growing family" accompanied by a gentle tummy rub. "Mother's intuition" dished out to us a few moments later. Jesus Christ, we GET IT, lady. You're pregnant. Mazel tov! And double congratulations to you, kid; you're going to be raised by a freakishly paranoid helicopter mom who insists on doing background checks on all your friends, their parents, their parents' friends, etc. etc. ETC.

Because it's a scary world out there. Especially these people, who need serious psychological help. No further verification required.


  1. How about the ad for the "Life Alert" type pendant?

    A guy who's supposed to look like a newscaster tells a story about an 87 year old woman whose home was broken into. She was assaulted by two thugs looking for money. She was able to press her pendant and summon help, scaring off the bad guys.

    The closing from the "newscaster" is "most likely Life Alert (or whatever it is) saved her life."

    In fact, this scenario almost never happens in real life. People might rob you on the street or break into your home when you're not there and burgle it, but breaking in to rob the place when someone is home is rare.

    In addition, most people who want money and valuables do not want to commit murder, so the pendant saving a life from robbers is far fetched, to say the least.

    The only thing this ad was missing was Susan Smith's composite sketches of the two scary black men.

    (To refresh your memory, one of the composite sketches can be seen here:)

  2. Jesus Christ, what kind of horrible parent am I?!? I sent my baby, my BABY, off to tour her new college campus and I didn't go! I just let her drive off in the early morning and said, "Call me when you get there!" I sent her off to the big, scary city, where she met up with STRANGERS at a pre-assigned place and time! I had no idea where she was! I had no idea who she was talking to!


    I should have been-verified every single person on that college campus! She stayed with my other daughter who already lives there with her boyfriend of two years- OH DEAR SWEET LORD!! I never been-verified him either! He tells me he's a firefighter/EMT. He tells me that his dad is the deputy fire chief. He tells me the woman he introduced me to was his mother- that other young woman was his sister.


    I'm sorry, John. That was a helluva lot funnier inside my head.

  3. Very often, I stop by 7-11 to grab a cup of coffee for school. I have never once done a background check on the guy who makes the coffee- how do I know he's not a serial poisoner? I also teach more than sixty kids, and I know very little about them OR their parents- and sometimes I even turn my back on them! What was I thinking?

  4. John, you're ALREADY DEAD and just don't know it! They've probably already abducted you.

    But wait... how to they know that you are, in fact, you!?

  5. I don't really understand how Been Verified works. This is a product for the truly ignorant, lame-o, losers of the world because unless Been Verified hired a private detective to follow me around for the last 20 odd years they have no way of knowing that I ran a small drug dealing empire in college, slipped out of a few girls bedrooms at 4am, no call no show quit my first job at a bagel shop when I was 16, etc, etc because none of these things are in any system. So what exact information do these people get from Been Verified?

  6. thepapers- you mean like "show me the car fax" doesn't work if previous owners had friends fix their cars or paid cash for repairs, and never notified any insurance agencies?

    I really don't believe that everyone you could possibly have contact with has a traceable background, because I don't believe we are living in George Orwell's "1984." But that's just me.

  7. I wish that moronic pregnant woman had been more interested in using her computer for finding effective methods of birth control. Anything that comes from that idiot, is going to be bad news.

  8. Someone had sex with her. Someone who presumably passed a careful, exacting BeenVerified screening.

    Let that thought roll around in your head for a while.