Sunday, January 2, 2011

Why don't you just kill him instead of talking him to death?

A long time ago, cell phone companies decided that it just wasn't worth it to fight the "our product turns people into insensitive, clueless assholes" criticism, and instead use that charge as the basis of their advertising campaigns. That's why pretty much every commercial for cell phones features their users acting like total dicks who are just begging to have their teeth jammed down their throat, ASAP.

In this charming, Holiday-themed installment, our mandatory drooling cell phone addict has decided to interrupt his neighbor's decorating by sending a mass text message to everyone he knows snarking on what an eyesore the neighbor's light display is. That he does this while standing directly in front of the offending display suggests that cell phones do, in fact, burn out brain cells, and owners don't just ACT as if they have suffered severe head injuries. That he sent this message to the target of his hateful little note demonstrates a significant level of poor judgment (or perhaps he's just too damned lazy to exclude him from the mailing.) That he sends this text instead of finding a tactful way of suggesting to the neighbor that he might want to tone it down a bit is just another example of how cell phones are contributing to society's decay- "Hey, I didn't care for something that you did, but instead of simply talking to you about it, I criticized you via text message to everyone I know."

Confronted with his stunning lack of sense, the cell phone wanker responds only with an empty grin (tell me you don't want to treat his head like a Gallagher prop by now) and an assurance that Don't Worry, treating you like a non-person with no rights or feelings isn't costing me a dime extra. I take it that this is supposed to be funny, because it's a punchline repeated in other ads by the same company.

And maybe it WOULD be funny, if it didn't look so damned familiar. The fact is, cell phones DO encourage assholes to share whatever witless, hateful thought that pops into their sawdust-stuffed heads without considering the consequences. The fact is, the companies that make these phones WANT you to use them constantly, without thinking, because their goal is to create a world in which you never, ever, EVER put that god damned thing down and reflect on what you might be pondering or wanting to say before letting anyone- let alone EVERYONE- know about it.

By the way, anyone want to explain to me why what happens in this commercial isn't cyber-bullying? Anyone want to explain to me why I would want to buy a product from a company that thinks trashing people electronically is not only funny, but a good marketing pitch?

Meanwhile, to the victim of this jerk's wireless missive: There's snow on the ground. That means you probably have a shovel nearby. I suggest you apply it to this guy's face. Repeatedly. Get your kid to record the incident on his phone, and YouTube it. "Hey, check out this guy's crushed skull- it's Ho Ho rendus!" Believe me, you'll get plenty of LOLs and Thumbs-Up by the juvenile knuckle-draggers who haunt that site.


  1. This is one that has been driving me nuts all month.

    First, If you take a look at the house at the very beginning of the commercial you can see that there aren't that many lights on the house at all. There just aren't.

    Second, the guy is using all white lights. You cannot consider something an eyesore if it is all white lights. Everyone has seen the house with white, red, green, yellow and blue lights all over the place. That is an eyesore.

    Third, you can see that the light guys family is out in the yard helping him set up the display and it looks like a nice, happy time for the family.

    Where does this Philip Seymour Hoffman looking douche bag get off making a joke out of someone who actually has other human beings that enjoy being around him? He reeks of someone that was bullied throughout grade school. I mean come on. A pasty, red haired, chubby guy with glasses. Oh how I wish I lived in that neighborhood so I could give that fat loser an eye sore of his own.

  2. The offended neighbor asks "why don't you look me in the eye?"

    I think the correct answer is "I don't know how. After years with my cell phone glued to my hand, the only way I know how to communicate is by using it."

  3. Oh, and I agree- the offender strikes me as a sad, lonely jackass who is bitter that a neighbor is having a good time with his family. The "I just got your eCard...ugh...sweaters!" is another hint. This guy probably has no idea why he doesn't have anyone waiting for him at home, and is lashing out at his normal, stable neighbor for having and enjoying what he can't seem to attain.

  4. What a great concept: "Use our product and you too can be a delusional, embittered outcast."

  5. I don't even know my neighbors' cell phone numbers to be able to text to them.

    Not that I would anyway. That hot Marine who lives next door who routinely, in warmer weather, takes his dog out wearing shorts as if he's been interrupted during a workout doesn't need to know I can see him from my kitchen window.

    "Hey, Case, nice, uh... patio you got there..."

    I'm sorry, I've lost my train of thought...

  6. The word you're looking for is "passive-aggressive". It's NOT accidental, goofy or "charming".

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