Monday, January 24, 2011

Thanks for Asking, Taco Bell!

What next? I'm just chock-full of suggestions for you, young man!

1) Complain loudly to the restaurant management that someone has slipped you the food equivalent of a whoopie cushion- perhaps made by the same company that produces those ridiculously noisy Kit Kat Bars which also exist only on television.

2) Ask those pretty girls if they MIND if you continue to eat your dinner without having to feel awkward by their turning around every time you take a freaking bite. Given the ages of these customers, my guess is that this guy could blather away at high volume on his cell phone and get less reaction. I mean, this IS a fast-food joint, not a library, right?

3) Realize that those pretty girls can't hear your thought bubbles (we viewers should be so lucky.) They can't tell how cool and suave you are with the ladies, because while you are thinking these witty (in your mind) thoughts, they just see a dumbstruck doofus holding a pile of poison wrapped in empty carbs.

4) Along the same lines- stop looking at the girls you Know You'll Never Talk To, You Loser and start planning on how you are going to work off the fatty, salty, greasy crap you are shoveling into your body. I suggest a nice jog to the moon.

Or, just keep doing what you planned- sit there quietly, waiting for the pretty girls to leave, so they won't notice that you wet your pants when they actually acknowledged your existence for a moment. When you go home, change your pants, go online, and tell all your Facebook Friends about how you hit it off with these two awesome chicks you met at Taco Bell.

Then never go to that Taco Bell again, because you've been banned for the mess you left on the floor. Your arteries will thank you.


  1. The teen-age boy who lives here said that those burritos don't stay crunchy because the "Flamin' hot Fritos" get all mushy. And not only is it a heart attack in a tortilla, its kinda gross.

    What I'd like to know is... what chick is going to think any guy flirting with her at a Taco Bell over the top of a slimy burrito is any good?

    For anything?

  2. Pahz, this kind of reminds me of the girl who is thrilled to be given an engagement ring over burgers at McDonalds. Seriously, ladies- if your man is proposing to you at MCDONALDS, you can do better.

  3. It's a good thing that we can't hear the girl's thoughts; my guess is they're feeling the same sort of bemused revulsion that the women "For Better or For Worse"'s John Patterson ogles in front of Elly feel. Having one's product associated with young women who died a little inside looking at a big greasy tube of nothing devouring a small greasy tube of cholesterol seems to me to be a bit of a turn-off.

  4. I hate how Taco Bell commercials always have beautiful people eating and working there. My local taco bell has a few over weight, unattractive hispanic women behind the counter and sometimes this girl I went to high school with who I try my hardest not to make direct eye contact with because there is no way I am asking a 32 year old woman who works at Taco Bell "how have you been?" The dining room contains several migrant workers and a mother with several screaming children.

    I guess the upside is if you meet a girl at Taco Bell you dont have to come up with an excuse for why you have gas and blew up her bathroom.