Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Have you heard about Larry the Lonesome Loser?

First, can this guy be a sadder, more delusional waste of space? "I don't talk to people at the game" (gee, big loss, I'm sure.) So you're so "focused on the game" that you don't want to be distracted by the other 70,000 people in attendance- why not just watch it on your flipping couch then, stupid?

Second- "the people I'm with call me Mr Excitement.." that would be the people you don't talk to, right? Makes a lot of sense, Larry. I'm guessing that those people don't notice you as much as you think they do.

Third- "Sixty thousand people want that ball to go through the goal posts..." (what happened to the other ten thousand?) Larry, please, think about this for a moment. There are two teams in competition on the field. If that ball goes through the goalposts, it benefits ONE team. It hurts the OTHER team. Following me so far, Larry? Are you saying that six out of seven people in the stands are rooting for whatever team happens to be making the field goal attempt? Or are you saying what I think you're saying- you don't give a flying crap about either team? You just like to see scoring? Find yourself distracted often by shiny things? You are quite the piece of work, Larry.

Fourth- "there are millions of people who WANT to be there." You really think so? Seriously? I bet a lot more people are perfectly happy at restaurants, taverns, and living rooms surrounded by friends and much better food than you are going to get at the sterile neutral site you are watching "the Big Game" at, dumbass. And when the game is over, they get to go home to their own beds. You get to hit the hotel and think about the trip to the airport. And how nobody is going to be there to meet you at the gate when you exit the plane, because....

Fifth- "I've missed weddings, I've missed babies being born, but I have never missed a Super Bowl." If that's not the definition of misplaced priorities, I don't know what is. Are you for real, Larry? You've skipped out on weddings and the BIRTH of FAMILY MEMBERS to go to a FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME which almost exclusively featured two teams you were NOT a fan of during the regular season? Well, gee- that certainly explains the divorce. And the lack of phone calls. And why you spend your holidays alone. But hey, you've got that one weekend a year where you get to play Supergeek with 70,000 strangers.

This isn't pleasant for me, Larry, because you are apparently a real person and not an invention of the NFL. That you exist is almost heartbreaking; that you are proud of your obsession with the Most Overrated Sporting Event That Is Not Scheduled For Qatar is way beyond pathetic.

That you are willing to share your "story" with the world? Well, I don't think they've invented a word that fits that level of obliviousness.

So I'll just come out and say it- Larry, I would not trade places with you for box seats at the 2011 Red Sox-Phillies World Series. That's baseball, Larry. A sport WORTH traveling great distances to watch. You can keep your Super Bowl tickets. I'm too polite to tell you WHERE you can keep them.


  1. "The people I'm with call me Mister Excitement..."

    Ever hear of "irony", Larry? How about "sarcasm"?

    He reminds me of the super-slow tortoise in cartoons. "Thhuuuuh peeeeeepuuuuhlll Iiiiii'mmm wiiiithhhh caaaalll meee Mmmmisssterrr Exxxxciiiiiiitemennnnt..."

    Stuff like this makes me glad my father was never a sports fan.

  2. Every time I see this commercial I think of a former boss of mine. This guy was a HUGE Dodgers fan. Went to literally every home game every season, and as many away games as he could. That in itself is cool; I love my teams too. But what used to piss me off to no end was this: this guy was an optometrist. With actual patients. Who had scheduled appointments. There's only so many times you can tell patients that 'the doctor is out sick' before they just find a new doctor.

    Years after I'd moved on to greener pastures, I heard from a friend that this guy had lost his practice, filed bankruptcy, and his wife divorced him. Hope he's enjoying his Dodgers games to the exclusion of everything else now...

  3. James, even that guy's obsession makes a hundred times more sense than Larry's weird desire to travel great distances to watch two teams he didn't root for in the regular season play at a neutral site, surrounded by tens of thousands of people no more fans than he is.