Monday, January 17, 2011

eTrade's latest gift to the glue-sniffers who have no idea what stocks are

Let me see if I get this straight: The eTrade babies:

1. Take the Red Eye to and from Bachelor Parties

2. Own Laptops and I Phones with E-trade Apps.

3. Are interested in watching animals have sex (this one REALLY confuses me- so they are infants with the financial sense of adults, and the sexual curiosity of preteens?)

4. Have baby girlfriends ("milkaholics?" Seriously, eTrade? And you want me to trust you with my money?)

Actually, of course, there's only one thing to get straight here: The only thing eTrade is interested in is appealing to the crude lowest common denominator. I simply do not believe that the people who are actual potential customers for this "service" are the SAME people who find these ads even remotely amusing.

So what is happening here? My guess- the population of people out there who use "services" like eTrade smirk and nod at these incredibly stupid, insulting piles of steaming dreck, taking no message from the commercials other than "well, this is what you have to do these days to remind people that you're out there. Whatever."

Meanwhile, a larger population of people who don't have the slightest idea what these babies are talking about (when they are talking about trades) enjoy yukking it up over the OMIGOD SO FUNNY babies and the OMIGOD SO CLEVER things they are saying. That larger population is made up of exceptionally stupid people who really need to grow the hell up. Need to, but won't- because drifting in the warm Sea of Arrested Development is so much more pleasant, not to mention LOL CHECK OUT THAT NEW SHINY THING ROTFLMAO!!

I'll give eTrade this much: It's not often that a company is willing to spend money creating ads targeted at people who will never, ever seek out the service being advertised. But I still have to ask- why babies? Why not monkeys? They can be made to say HILARIOUS things, too. Why not penguins- they are really hot right now. Or geckos- oh wait, I forgot. They are already taken.


  1. The idiots behind the "Look Who's Talking" series have a lot to answer for; so do the morons who ripped them off.

  2. I was working at a video rental store when that almost obscenely bad film was released- which meant that I had to watch it on the store's monitors, again and again and again...

    Fortunately, our clientele was so knuckle-dragging stupid that we rarely got through more than half an hour of it before we had to eject it and rent it out. From what I remember of it, John Travolta acted and talked as if he had just suffered some kind of debilitating stroke.

  3. In defense of the "Look Who's Talking" trilogy (yeah, there were THREE of them!), at least the babies weren't creeped up with some computer animated mouth movements and they didn't actually do things that babies wouldn't do. They mostly reacted to what was happening around them.

    Aside from everything loathsome in this ad, its the creepy factor that just squicks me right out. My nineteen-year-old son thinks these ads are hilarious. He has zero money and no job (he's in school), so you hit the nail on the head with the target audience.

  4. As best I can tell, the E-Trade talking baby ads might be used to increase E-Trade's name recognition.

    I simply refuse to believe that these ads are directed at people who actually wealthy, bright or well informed enough to buy stocks or other investments.