Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Does Anybody Actually Work Anymore?
It must be so great for our huge population of unemployed and underemployed citizens to watch one commercial after another featuring people sitting in big offices searching for new ways to avoid doing anything to actually earn their paychecks.
This time, we've got a pretty decent crowd of slackers who have decided that lunch break didn't quite cut it, and it's time for an impromptu taco party- because while Americans are the World's Most Productive, Most Innovative Workers (I heard this on Fox and in the State of the Union Address, so you know it's true,) hey, tacos are tacos. Naturally, everybody learned about the taco party through an email sent to their cell phones (I'm not sure why this is morally superior to using interoffice memos- ok, so you aren't stealing company material, just company time?)
One ugly dick who for some reason strikes me as their boss (I don't know why) gets his panties in a wad because he thinks his employees are snubbing him. You see, he's got some lame-ass phone, which was probably state of the art way back in November but is now So Very Yesterday that it took him an extra two and a half minutes to get the Taco Party memo (and get this: it's not just that the employees are told of a taco party. The announcement has to include cute graphics. Is there an App for that? Or is this still MORE time stolen from the company?)
Suddenly exposed as technologically backwards rather than merely unpopular, Presumed Boss Guy- who just committed what used to be a horrible faux pas but nowadays is probably just par for the course in the age of Tweet Every Non-Thought that Pops into your Witless Skull- is reduced to an embarressed giggle and half-audible "yeah...." Too much to ask that he just APOLOGIZE for jumping to conclusions and- more grievously- upsetting workplace cohesion by creating a wall of tension between two employees. I mean, that just wouldn't be as "funny," would it?
Meanwhile, if television is being honest with me, there seems to be two very distinct groups of Americans. There's the group that is unemployed or underemployed- frustrated, angry, desperate. Then there's the group that collects a paycheck by sitting around offices watching ESPN.com, talking about vacations they are about to save big money on thanks to Priceline, setting up screens so they can watch The Big Game and drink beer, and eating tacos. When the second group gets bored, they head off to coffee shops and restaurants to talk about insurance and rag on fellow "employees" who are trying to save money by brown-bagging it. The two groups have one thing in common: Neither is doing any actual work.
I'd love to see a parody of these ads, in which the great mass of people sitting around offices dicking around gets thrown out on their collective butts, and their jobs are handed to the currently unemployed. Hey guys, the next Taco Party is scheduled for 1 PM. The location? The dumpster behind the local KFC/Taco Bell franchise.
Don't forget to invite that guy you called a creep.