Sunday, January 16, 2011

But I was so much older then; I'm younger than that now

Boy, was I stupid when I was a kid. I used to jump off of bridges into unfamiliar rivers, just because I saw some local kids doing it. I used to ride my bike down dirt roads and attempt jumps, and never ever wore a helmet. I used to ride my Honda 70 in circles through high fields of grass without a helmet, elbow pads, knee pads, etc.

Sometimes me and my friends would sneak into the Drive-In during a movie and scrounge for soda and beer cans for the five cent deposit. When we went to the theater, we'd always smuggle candy in. When I was sixteen I rolled my grandfather's Volkswagen because I was driving too fast.

I'm so glad those days are over, and now I'm a boring, old, gone-to-seed, obsessed-with-my-heart-health adult who gets his thrills staring at sunsets and riding my bike 2.5 MPH (while equipped with a helmet and knee and ankle pads, of course.) Nowadays I let my students take the risks- like the time I talked that girl into climbing on Jefferson's Rock at Harper's Ferry, strictly against park rules but the only way to get a really good view. I'm sure she deeply regrets taking that risk- or will later, when she's a boring old adult like me.

Yep, thank G-d that those days of taking stupid risks are over. Nothing but skinless chicken, fat-free yogurt, and driving 40 MPH in the center lane for me, from now on. And since life without risks is So Worth Living, I'm going to trust my heart to Lipitor.

Because when every day is risk-free and predictable, you want the days to keep coming. Right?


  1. I'm a bit concerned with his never-mussed-hair.

    Also, I'm a little pissy that he's all show-off-y with his whole squatting, standing, then run-jump off that dock. I call shenanigans on this one. That has to be a much younger actor that they used CGI to age. Because if he was actually the age he claims in his heart-history, he would have made loud cracking noises when he squatted and then some prop guys would have had to come help him back into the standing position.

    But his hair... it didn't even get wet!

  2. I can't believe he's taking such an awful risk on that dock; do you know how PAINFUL splinters can be??

  3. Yes- if you don't take our pills, you are playing games with your heart. Don't play Russian Roulette- take our wonderful drugs and shut the fuck up about the side effects, you whiny baby.