Friday, March 25, 2011

And, seriously, why don't you just Off yourself?

If you don't have an I Phone, you don't have the App store. Which to me, sounds a lot like "if you don't have Consumption, you aren't coughing blood into your handkerchief."

...which means you can't do things like book plane tickets and get boarding passes simply by running your finger along a screen. Oh, you poor, deprived slob. You actually have to type on a lame-ass So Very 2009 Keyboard and then print up (snigger, condescend) that boarding pass on your (chuckle) printer.

...which means you can't do things like buy your favorite latte drink at your favorite fern-filled, trendy coffee shop by sticking your phone up against a screen (first: I give my permission for the person on the other side of the counter to throw a very hot cup of coffee into this pretentious asshole's face. Second: wow, what a great bonus for the person who finds this phone after it's owner leaves it in a taxi or a park bench- instant credit card access! Yay!) No, if you don't have an I Phone, you'll have to continue to take the credit card or (shudder) cash out of your wallet and have it scanned- and seriously, we all know what a MAJOR PAIN that is.

No, if you don't have an I Phone, you really aren't experiencing a Life worth Living. I mean, just think of all those extra muscles you are using that you could be just letting lie dormant. Just think how much less exhausted you'd be if you just let your fucking index finger do all the work! Not to mention all those things you currently do which distract you from engaging with your ridiculous cell phone obsession. All those evil activities that make you PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN because you don't have an I Phone!

"If you don't have an I don't have an I Phone." What do you have instead? A life? A clue? Basic social and coping skills? Sounds like a pretty good trade-off to me.

So keep your I Phone. I'm too polite to tell you where you can keep it. But here's a hint: it's someplace very dark, and if you are a typical I Phone junkie, it's the same place you seem to keep your head most of the time.


  1. If you don't have an iPhone, you still have to talk to *gasp* HUMANS!

    This commercial makes me feel like we're a few steps away from just having a barcode tattooed onto our wrists and that'll be how we do everything from now on. Buy a coffee- scan. Go to the doctor- scan.

  2. I hate to sound like a broken record but this is why I don't much care for mobile phone ads; instead of having someone use it to interact with another human being( "Sweetie, do we need canned corn?), it's being touted as a crutch to keep us in a high-tech cocoon. It's also why the short story "The Machine Stops" should be required reading.

  3. Pahz- they'd have to come up with flashier tattoos for people who have more money, or they'd never become popular.

  4. What's really sad is that the idiots call it a revolution in communication; nothing could be further from the truth.

  5. If you don't have an iPhOnE, you can still sit down in a "coffee shop" and have a waiter pour you a bottomless cup. But you can't annoy the person in the next booth with your marimba ring tone. iDeclare

  6. Dreaded- it's more like a revolution in isolation.

  7. James- I was waiting for a haircut yesterday, and the guy sitting next to me was watching a video on his I Phone- he had earplugs, but wasnt' wearing them, so the room was filled with tinny music. I asked him why he wasn't wearing the headphones, and he said "because if I do I won't be able to hear when they call my name to get my haircut."

    It's all about what's convenient to the phone user, and everyone else can just fuck off, clearly.

  8. John F:
    You hit that proverbial nail on the head. The problem is that nobody strikes back to claim their justifiable quiet anymore (or seldom). I've taken to turning on my own smart phone with the same volume level, whenever one of these passive-aggressive ignoramuses (otherwise traditionally known as bullies) start up. It works instantly.