Sunday, March 20, 2011

This channel is just a gift that keeps on giving!

This is why Retro TV is so awesome- half the commercials are aimed at people who owe thousands of dollars in credit card bills or are way behind in their income tax payments, and the other half is for totally pointless, unnecessary gadgets which sucker the gullible into getting themselves even deeper in debt. In other words, all of these commercials are aimed at the SAME GROUP OF PEOPLE.

While watching MST3K knock-off Chiller Drive In Theater (no, it's not that I have no life- I just have schoolwork to do this weekend, ok? Back Off!) I've seen commercials urging us to order our own Home Banana Trees (because we all know how expensive store-bought bananas are,) Eggies (because we all know how virtually IMPOSSIBLE it is to boil eggs) and Snuggies (don't even get me started.) Last night I caught this winner for a counterfeit money detector which just left me shaking my head and thinking "damn, why didn't I think of that? Oh, that's right- because I have a conscience, damn it all!"

Here's how it "works:" People who don't have any money to begin with take out their credit cards and call the toll-free number. Within a few minutes, they've not only ordered their Money Cop Counterfeit Detector, but (I have no doubt) they've also been talked into buying a plastic magnifier and a Silk-Like case for the Money Cop, Just Pay Separate Shipping and Handling. And a few weeks later, they get a piece of plastic which requires a AAA battery to operate it's tiny bulb and beeper. Now you can check out those $20 bills before you head off to 7-11 to exchange them for Lottery Tickets.

Just a few unanswered questions:

Why does the average person watching Chiller Drive In Theater need to check $20 bills to make sure they are not counterfeits? Is there really an epidemic of counterfeiting going on that I haven't been made aware of?

If you run a business or work in a bank and you are concerned about Counterfeiting, aren't there already devices out there which actually detect fraudulent bills which have been certified by some government agency as being accurate and dependable? Do you really need to look to some cheap junk being peddled on late-night tv to find the answer to your concerns?

Is it safe to assume that the company that makes this device is the same one that makes those boxes that you plug into outlets to scare rodents and roaches away? Or the oddly similar boxes which stop dogs from barking? Or the ones that detect dangerous levels of Kryptonite? Or the ones which beep every five minutes that the allergen levels in your home are in the "acceptable" range?

Is it too late for me to get in on this scam? Because I could have another talk with my conscience, one that involves a closer look at my rather skimpy retirement account.


  1. Things have sure changed since Barnum's day if these ads are anything to go by; the rate of sucker birth has seemingly accelerated.

  2. I was kind of freaked out by the music, actually. What the hell was THAT?!?