Saturday, March 26, 2011

Don't Mess with the King of Beers!

Consumers, we tried to be polite about this.

We started slowly. Several months ago (we know, it feels like years) we rolled out our our "Here We Go" ad campaign. Just a few thirty-second commercials popping up during football games on the weekend, always featuring some vaguely familiar spokesperson (Carl Weathers was my personal favorite) finishing whatever inane pile of steaming crap we were tossing at you with a simple "here we go!"

The idea, you see, was to make "Here We Go!" America's Next Great Catchphrase. The "Five Dollar Foot Longs" of 2011. Our dream was that pretty much every Extremely Impressionable American would be bleating "Here We Go!" every few seconds, for no particular reason, and that every time one heard the phrase, one would think "Bud Lite!" Considering what you couch potato sheep have swallowed in the past, it seemed like a reasonable expectation.

But for some reason, it just didn't take. Our agents, after tirelessly surveying bars, living rooms, and tailgate parties all over this great land of ours, have reported that "Here We Go" has NOT reached the status of groan-inducing cliche. This information has created an atmosphere that can best be described as a mixture of deep disappointment and seething anger here at Budweiser.

So now, the gloves are coming off. You ADD-addled jackasses think you can just shrug off our dog whistles? Well, take a good look at your future. We are done with the subtle crap. Get ready for months of having "Here We Go!" pounded into your face at every break. Playtime is over, people. You thought "Punch Dub Days" was bad? You'll be begging to see a kid smack his grandpa in the groin while yelling "Red One!" before Easter, we promise you.

We at Budweiser hope that when this Unfortunate but Necessary episode is over, the lesson will be remembered when we reveal our next ad campaign (we can't tell what it is, but let's just say it involves a twist on the already Hi-LARIOUS 'Oh No You Di-n't!") That lesson is simply: Don't Fuck With Us. When we give you the tag line, you GO with it, monkeys. Don't MAKE us pull this again. Because if you do, we promise, the next time it will hurt even more.

You WILL be assimilated.

--Sincerely, your friends at Budweiser. Remember, Drink Responsibly.


  1. Here's a little-known and possibly meaningless factoid for you: my home province of New Brunswick used to have a ban on ads for alcohol. My dad used to think that it was another stupid way in which the government was pretending it was our mommy; then again, he never lived to see crap like this.

  2. The scarecrow-dressed fool who jumps up from the couch is apparently the imagined audience for this commercial. Thankfully for himself, he's watching football on television - watery mainstream beer in hand, and mixed company sharing his couch. Three more hours of not having to face his own exceedingly uninspired life -- such awesomeness.