Friday, February 24, 2012
Domino's salutes one of its worker drones- and tells us what it really thinks of Middle America
Here's an awesome combination of self-congratulation, condescension, and unintended humor all wrapped up in a nice doughy package for us.
The CEO of Domino's pizza opens by telling us that "great ideas don't usually happen outside of Domino's headquarters." Well, of course not. I mean, Domino's HQ is where the brains are kept, after all. The minions who work in the thousands of local pizza franchises scattered all over North America? They pound the dough, decorate it, cook it and send it out to the tasteless masses. They are barely expected to chew and tie their shoes at the same time. Great ideas? don't be silly.
But then he tells us what I guess is supposed to be an inspiring story- some previously unnamed, unloved and uncelebrated worker drone came up with what only Americans could call a great idea- to take leftover pizza dough, bake it, sprinkle garlic and Parmesan cheese on it, and package it as "bread bites." No, I'm not kidding. I'm guessing that the only thing that kept this genius from calling his creation "Munchkins" was U.S. copyright law.*
One of the sad starch peddlers at the Dominos run by Mr. Einstein tells us that her boss "should be CEO of Domino's." Because he figured out a way to sell the leftover pizza dough. And she thinks this is all it takes to be the CEO at Domino's. Come on, lady, don't you think they have to do a LITTLE more to earn those golden parachutes, massive salaries and stock options? Like make personal appearances in stupid commercials?
The actual, non-creative CEO shows us his human side by giggling and replying "no"- he's not going to be giving up cushy job to the Galileo who came up with Bread Bites. (BTW, Domino's won't be putting Da Vinci's name on the patent or share the profits that come from his re-invention of the wheel, either. The Sage of Findlay, Ohio will have to accept this commercial as the only royalty he's going to get for his hard "work.") Awww, see what a Real Guy he is? Having several vacation homes and a private jet, and making more money during the filming of this commercial than a hundred Domino's drivers will make in a year doesn't make him any less One of Us. Here's a guy we'd all like to have a beer with- if we could get past the armed guards of his gated compound to extend the invitation.
So thank you, Mr. Domino's Manager whose name has already been forgotten by this CEO and the boys on the board, who are too busy trying to work up a cross-marketing strategy with Pixar's next animated feature. Thank you for boldly attempting to sell round chunks of toasted bread under a cute name- and succeeding at it. I bet it gets this CEO another boat, or maybe a down payment on that castle in Scotland he's had his eye on. Warms the heart, doesn't it?
And that lickspittle toady who thinks you ought to be CEO? Fifteen minutes are up, lady. Get back to work- speaking of which, you'll be pulling a double shift next weekend, tell your family.
*When I was a little kid, "Munchkins" were called Doughnut Holes, and they were handed out for free at the local Dunkin Donuts if you happened to be there at the right time. Now I bet they are trying to figure out a way to charge us for the coffee cup lids.