Thursday, February 9, 2012

Zales shows us how to deal with a restraining order

"Must not come within one hundred yards, huh? Well, that's NOT going to prevent me from proposing marriage in an amazingly stupid, childish, cloyingly insulting way!"

"First, I know where you live because after all I've been following you home for months now. And I know the building across the alley from yours almost as well- God Knows I've used the fire escape enough times to get to the roof and find exactly the right angle to keep an eye on you as you sleep (I love you so much, I can't bear the thought of anything ever happening to you!")

"And when I climbed on to your ledge to attach one end of this string, I wasn't technically in violation of the judge's instructions, because you weren't home at the time (where were you? You might as well tell me, I'm going to find out!)"

"And when you FINALLY wake up (not that I minded staring at you as you slept for hours and hours- not the first time you've made me wait, but this time I'm not ducking behind the chimney when you look out your window) you'll see me on the roof. This time, you won't scream and reach for the phone in that adorable way you usually do, because now I'm ready to meet your price. Here's a big rock for you, plus evidence that there's plenty of money where that came from, since I am clearly not at all concerned that the string might break and the ring might fall into the street and be lost."

"No, I'm quite certain that the moment you see this ring, I will no longer be the stalker you fear and pretend not to love. Once you put it on, you'll recognize me as the man of your dreams. And you'll tear up that piece of paper you foolishly got the authorities to write up when you didn't understand that I am your destiny, and this was Meant To Be."

Thank you again, Zales, for showing us the true meaning of Love. Sick.

(BTW: Anyone else think that this whole ring-on-a-string bit is just a little too similar to the idea of baiting a hook? Anyone else more than a little put off with the continued use of the "women are for sale, and can be purchased with the right rock" message that permeates every. Single. Ad. for jewelry? Or is it just me?)


  1. I wonder what would have happened if she had taken the string off her finger. He'd have flung the ring only to watch it sail off the end of the string into the street.

    I would have laughed.

    1. So would I. It'd be what he deserved for being a presumptuous, misogynistic jerk who confuses stalking with love.

  2. Anyone here think that this is what Anthony Caine would have done in real life?

  3. Anthony Caine just went the cheap route and invited himself into the passenger seat of his target's test-drive car. And followed her around so he could be "conveniently" available when she was assaulted.

    This is way too proactive for that sunken-chested, morose little knot.

  4. Seriously, he goes through all that effort to slide the ring down a string and lets a Post-It do the asking? Yeah, whatever. Contrary to what the commercial wants us to think, that is *not* romantic. I don't think Pornstache would've done this, though. He's too lazy and unimaginative. He'd have a ring in his pocket in case the right time came up at some point and he'd say something like, "Oh, by the way, you want to get married? Since you're over here so much and all."

  5. That's pretty much what LIZ said. Anthony just nodded and mumbled something like "Uh huh" and "I guess." Leave it to amazing storyteller Lynn Johnston to give us more than a decade of Desperate Morose Hopelessly in Love For the Girl of His Dreams Anthony storyline concluding with Liz practically begging the prick to pop the question.