Sunday, February 26, 2012

Multitasking for Morons, the Verizon way

It's clear that the cell phone market is now completely saturated, and everyone who wants one of these "necessities" already has at least two. I can't think of any other explanation for the latest trend in commercials produced by Verizon, Apple, etc--- which is to show how it easy it is to do two incredibly stupid, pointless things at the same time, thanks to the miracle of modern technology.

In this theme's introductory stages (a few months ago,) these companies were satisfied to show us how we could surf the web and talk at the same time to be a better wage slave, 24/7. Or listen to music and text. Or watch movies and get directions. Because putting down something and picking up something else for even a few moments is so forty-seven seconds ago. Whatever we "need," we need it NOW, and by NOW, we mean so fourteen seconds ago.

Realizing in the back of their pea-sized minds that there really aren't that many reasons why anyone would have to multitask often enough to justify the expense of one of these phones, Verizon has decided to go with the "Ok We Admit, This Is Just A Stupid Toy That In Real Life Would Only Appeal To Gullible Morons With Fistfuls of Money and No Common Sense" concept. Why do you need the level of "connectivity" offered? Well, what if you are in the final seconds of an online auction for the last Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox on the planet at the exact moment you are also wrestling a crocodile? Aren't you going to be glad you have this phone if THAT happens?

Last summer I snarked on Toshiba for it's "back up your data or risk unleashing a zombie nightmare" ad. I would like to apologize to Toshiba- at least it's commercial didn't involve the abuse of a poor dumb animal making an absolute fool of itself for the benefit of the tv audience. The crocodile doesn't come off that well, either.

Come to think of it, I can come up with one other explanation for commercials like this. Maybe Verizon, Apple, and all the other companies that produce these garbage ads just know their audience really well. They know that it's no longer about convincing people that they need a phone. That sale has been made. Now it's about giving them a reason- ANY reason- to dump that phone and buy a new one. My guess is that anyone who could be swayed by commercials like this one was probably halfway out the door, wallet in hand, before the "funny punchline" even made it's appearance.


  1. If only the fastest survive, this guy should've been dinner quite a while ago. I wonder how many morons will think gator wrasslin' is as easy as this thirty-one seconds of fail makes it look and decide to go wrassle themselves a gator to impress everyone. I can hear them now: "Hey, y'all, watch this!" *sounds of gator's jaws snapping shut and moron's screams, which are abruptly cut off as gator drags him under the water*

  2. We can only hope. Not like anyone who pulls crap like this was going to cure cancer, after all.

  3. Somewhere, Steve Irwin is watching and muttering "Crickey!" under his breath while shaking his head sadly.

  4. At least it's not "Get a satellite dish or you'll become Crazy Cat Person".

  5. I'm sure I'll be doing that one soon, Dreaded:>)