Monday, August 6, 2012

All that's missing is the chariots

Let's face it- every single Olympics is a massive orgy of Product Placement, emotional manipulation and over-the-top Nationalism bordering on Jingoism which we are expected to swallow like good little sheep every two years.  I don't know if this version is worse- however, I'm pretty sure that 2012 will, in Advertising Land, be forever known as the Year of The Kiddie Olympics (the Kiddie Olympics and their "Bring It" Moms Who Never Get the Credit They Deserve and Don't You Forget It, that is.)

In this loathsome yet depressingly familiar chapter, we see girls and boys who probably still think that the opposite sex is icky entering arenas waving flags, coming off airplanes to the shouts and salutes of the drooling idiot mob, holding press conferences (no kidding, check it out) and signing autographs.  In between all this posing and smiling and desperate grasping at fifteen minutes of fame before the fairy tale ends and 70 years in the real non-applauding, non-saluting, non-autograph-requesting real world begins, I suppose these children engage in athletic competitions of some kind.  I mean, that's what the Olympics are all about, right?

I'm sure it's not an original observation, but MAN this garbage has a heavy, oppressive Hunger Games feel to it, don't you think?  Children from all over the world assemble in an arena, with the hopes and dreams of their nations resting on their narrow shoulders, to try to best each other in a series of sporting events.  The winners get pieces of precious metal to wear on their undeveloped chests, the losers go home in tears knowing that they Let Everyone Down Even Though Everyone Insists They Are Proud Anyway. 

Yeah, this is really healthy.

Only a few days left.  Thank God.  Unfortunately, right now there are a whole lot of 9- year olds preparing to grab for their moment in the sun, coming up just around the corner, in 2016.  And even before that, there's Kiddie Ice Skating coming to a tv near you, early in 2014.  And more kid-based commercials to help us Truly Appreciate the Sacrifice.  Can't Wait.


  1. I remember an essay by Orwell about how the best way to ensure enmity between the nations of the Earth was to stage events like this. We would probably be better off by far if the idiot who started this up had remembered why the Byzantine Empire called them to a halt in the first place.

  2. Bread and Circuses....and when there isn't enough Bread, more Circuses.

  3. P&G is a sponsor of moms. Well, bully for them. Other than the sappiness making me want to vomit, the first thing that crossed my mind was 'What about dads'? I'm sure P&G has at least a few brands under their umbrella that would appeal to the men out there--or is there some kind of unspoken rule that caring about, supporting, and investing in your kids is Extremely Unmanly and will result in the Revocation of your Man Card, and P&G acknowledging that dads can be just as involved and invested as moms would be a bad business move?

  4. A while back, I posted on a Tide commercial in which a guy sat on a couch, facing the camera, and basically apologized to society because he was folding laundry. At the end of the commercial, he promised that he was heading off to lift weights. I really wish I were kidding.