Monday, August 27, 2012

Do I desperately need to make friends? Yes, yes you do.

"Does Speed Dating Really Work?"  Um, that kind of depends on your definition of "work," doesn't it?

Does it get you out of the house for a few hours?  Sure.  If that's your goal, it works.  Does it allow you to engage in a truly desperate, humiliating experience with equally desperate, sad, lonely people who can't figure out how to meet each other through traditional means?  Yep.  If that's your goal, it works.

Does work?  Sure, it does.  It's a nice way to get answers to all those burning questions you have but are too humiliated, or friend-deficient, to bring up to an actual human being.  Questions like "Why is Water Blue?" (Seriously, that's a question in one of these commercials.  No kidding.)  And does it encourage you to remain socially isolated, seeking solace from crippling loneliness through electronics (as if people who can't bring themselves to ask an actual acquaintance if Speed Dating works would ever work up the nerve to engage in Speed Dating.  Please.  The next question- after, a proud sponsor of, lets you know that Yes, In Fact, Speed Dating leads to Meaningful Relationships- is "Can I do Speed Dating by texting, or do I actually have to show up in person?")

I have a question.  What kind of emotionally crippled losers are so bereft of people in their lives (not to mention, an apparent inability to spend ten minutes of research on the web) that they have to direct their queries to strangers working for

Let's see. Who can I ask?


  1. I would imagine that speed dating is successful in the same way that one out of a couple hundred rounds of suppression fire from a machine gun might hit an enemy soldier. And probably just as likely to end up in a groin wound. does create some great opportunities to mess with the people on the site, though.

    "How do you get blood stains off of car upholstery?"

    "Do dogs only hump one side of your body?

    "How can you safely pry a gerbil from out of your rectum?"

    "Can you put off toilet training until the college years?

    "How do you say 'Give me all your money' in Burmese?

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