Wednesday, August 22, 2012

"You set it up so well, so carefully....."-- The Eagles, "Lying Eyes"

If you find yourself spending so much time mopping your f---ing floor that the concept of sitting down and drinking a cup of coffee on the porch is mind-blowing,

1.  Your f---ing house is too f---ing big, you suburban mommy-wife handmaiden bubble-headed twit,

2.  You are not making effective use of your spawn.  There's one, right there on the f---ing porch, who looks more than capable of handling a mop,

3.  You need to have a talk with that jerk you married who thought that a house in the suburbs and babies would be a perfectly good exchange for your youth and sanity.  But hey, who am I kidding?  This is probably exactly what you wanted.

Oh, and BTW, I don't really believe that is actually coffee in that cup.  Neither do your kids, or your neighbors.  I doubt hubby cares, as long as dinner is on the table when he gets home.

Oh, and one more thing:  Your husband doesn't notice how clean the kitchen floor is.  Ever.

Made.  Bed.  Lie. 


  1. I tried one of those things once. It got the floor about as clean as letting a dog lick it.

    Also, that might be her youthful-looking husband on the porch. I have a hard time believing that a teenage boy would be out sitting on the porch doing what looks like reading a book, newspaper, ... something non-digital.

  2. I loathe all the Swiffer-makes-your-life-easier ads. Especially the one where she decides to read a book and the kid spoils it for her. Shows how selfish and thoughtless her kid is... mine would have asked if I'd read it first. But then, I raised my kids to be thoughtful and respectful and oh, they did chores too.

    I've also never had so much trouble with a mop and bucket that mopping took me hours. I will cop to the fact that we have a Swiffer Wet-whatever-thing because the spouse is disabled and it really is easier for him to mop the floor with it than a mop and bucket.

    You see that? He's disabled and he still helps out with the housework.

  3. 4) Lynn Johnston should have asked the people who make Swiffer if they needed an animated spokes-moron for their product. That's because every last one of the dimwit wives in these ads remind me of Elly Patterson.

  4. What about Family Circus? I can just see one of those melon-headed kids making an idiotic, kitschy metaphor about how clean the floor is.

    "I can see myself wave. It's like the floor is saying 'hi' to me."


  5. Considering the number of times we saw the mom in that strip holding a mop and bucket, with a stupid kerchief wrapping up her hair, she's probably consumed enough cleaning fluid fumes to see people waving at her from the floor, too.

  6. Hey, yeah! It could be a new horror movie, like one of those based on mirrors.

    "Honey, why do you keep cleaning the floors? They're already so clean they're blinding."

    "No, I have to get the people out. See? See the people under the floor? Until all the dirt is gone, they'll never be able to get out."

    "Sweetie, it's just your reflection. There are no people under the floor. Now, the kids are hungry. Isn't it time to make dinner?"

    "NO! NO! They're there! I see them! I have to keep cleaning!"

    "...Alright, kids. Mommy can't make dinner now. Let's all go to McDonalds and let Mommy....clean."

    Dad and the kids come home later. Mommy is sitting as the kitchen table, drinking coffee. She greets them with a smile.

    "Hi honey. How was McDonalds?"

    "Umm... great, dear. Uhh... you finished cleaning the floor."

    "Of course. It's all done now. See how shiny it is."

    "So... all the people under the floor are ok, now?"

    "What, dear? There are no people under the floor. Don't be silly. I was just working to hard and the cleaning fumes got to me, that's all. I'm fine now."

    "Whew. That's a relief. I was getting worried."

    "I know, honey, but it's all right now."

    "Mommy. I think I see someone in the floor."

    "Don't be silly, Billy. It's just your reflection. There are no people under the floor. Now, let's go watch TV."

    Billy walked away, along with the other children. They never did see their mother, silently pounding and screaming for them....under the floor.

  7. That's a great idea for a horror movie Blackferret64! :) You've got a dark mind, I like it!