Saturday, January 5, 2013

Desperately Avoiding Each Other, with the help of DirectTV

1.  There are "your shows," and there are "my shows."  There are no "our shows."  Which is pretty damned sad, because it means that these people are spending a LOT of their lives sitting in rooms by themselves- probably while the other person is in chat rooms with potential lovers, or surfing for porn, all the while muttering obscenities because they have to wait while Selfish finishes his/her Stupid Show.

2.  "Record up to five shows at once?"  And then what?  Stay up till 3 AM every night watching your recorded shows?  Well, I guess that would keep the Evil Specter of Intimacy at bay.  You get the feeling that couples who want this kind of "service" aren't that into each other- or, maybe, are desperate to avoid any more "accidents" which need regular dental visits and vaccinations.

3.  Why does everyone on television have a bathroom  larger than my apartment?  Never mind the massive television set- I get that it's really not supposed to be there- but seriously, you could install a freaking bowling alley in this thing.

4.  The hate--- ah, the hate.  This guy really, really hates the woman he's with.  Enough to want to stuff the DVR with His Shows, so that he can spend every waking hour he's forced to be in the house watching His Shows, or waiting for Her Shows to be over.  What else am I supposed to get out of his response to "I feel like this thing is watching me walk around naked?"  Are people who should be more worried about the relationship than they are about their freaking DVR supposed to be funny on any level?

I'll wrap up with a general observation- if you really find yourself filling the DVR with so many television shows that you run out of space, and you find this creating conflict with the other people who live in your home, isn't it possible that the FUCKING TELEVISION has become just a LITTLE too important to you?  Here's an idea- read a book.  Have a conversation.  Hey, idiot in the commercial- want to see this woman naked?  Why not hop into the shower with her?  God knows it's big enough to hold the both of you.  Leave your attitude and your all-encompassing love for sitting on your ass watching tv outside, though.  No bathroom is THAT big.


  1. When I see these ads, I wonder why they can't just watch their show while it is already on. I mean, I use the DVR once in a while, when something keeps me out of the house or away from the TV at a particular time. I don't DVR EVERYTHING for watching later.

    There's the one where the kids are playing in a pool and the mother is reading a book in a lawn chair... fine, I get the whole "spending time outdoors is healthy" thing, but if you're just reading a book and there's a show on, why not just watch the show and read the book later? Why all this stress about using the DVR?

    To paraphrase: "It's just a show and [you] should really just relax."

  2. Mystery Science Theater- the best television show in the history of the idiot box!

  3. I was so eager to get that last post in there I forgot to ask. Is it back on?

    1. I wish! I think we are going to have to settle for Rifftrax for the foreseeable future. Not an adequate substitute, but much better than nothing.