Tuesday, January 29, 2013

TD Bank worships at the Church of Small Business. So what else is new?

Let's see if I've got this ad all worked out- Small Business Owner and Therefore Would-Be Savior of the American Economy comes strolling into a bank five minutes before it closes.  He's told by a disembodied voice that the bank is about to close.

Small Business Owner and therefore King of Everything replies "Just have to make a deposit."  At this point, he kind of reminds me of that pig on the airplane who is told to put his little electronic game away so that the plane can take off, and replies "no, I'm just doing a little business here on my phone."  I know you think that you are Vastly More Important Than Anyone Else, Mr. Small Business Owner, but what the voice meant was "we are closing," not "we are closing unless you are Very Special, Which You Obviously Are. Naturally, We'll Be Staying Open for You, Just Take Your Time."

Small Business Owner sees the lights going off and protests- "I need to make payroll."  Again- gee, I guess maybe you should have thought of that before you sauntered in five minutes before closing, huh?  Disembodied voice suggests "please come back during normal business hours," to which Far More Important Than You Small Business Owner replies "but I'm at my business...during normal business hours...."*

Well, isn't this all very interesting.  Tell you what, Small Business Owner.  Tell me what your business hours are.  I'll walk in five minutes before YOU close, and I'll insist that YOU stay open for MY convenience.  When you bitch and moan about it, I'll remind you that you expected your bank to stay open because you are Way Too Important To Go To The Bank When The Rest of Us Trolls Do.  Because you are a Small Business Owner, and the sun obviously rises and sets on your ass.

When I was in college, I worked at a video rental store in a suburban Virginia mall.  I can't tell you how many times I was counting up the register, having closed the iron gate in front of the door, only to notice that two or three idiots were still wandering around trying to pick out just the right crappy 80s comedy to bring home for the evening.  THEY were on their way home after working their allotted eight hours, but I was supposed to just hang around and waste away my evening so they could read the backs of boxes in their own sweet time.  Because THEIR time was vastly more important than MINE.

Here's a tip, Mr. Small Business Owner;  the bank you expect to cater to your inflexible hours is staffed by Human Beings just like you (actually, I hope the humans working at the bank aren't clueless douchenozzles like you are.)  Human beings who want to do their work, and go home.  Human beings who don't give a flying damn that you waited until the last damn minute to get your payroll taken care of.  And if I work there, at least one Human Being who hopes that you and your Small Business are the target of the next Tunguska Event.

*Want to experience inconvenient banking hours?  Join the United States Senate Federal Credit Union, which in the last ten years has systematically closed every suburban branch, now requiring me to take the Metro to a Senate Office Building where I must pass through a metal detector to deposit a freaking check, and which has ridiculously truncated hours which do NOT include Saturdays, EVER.  But it's a credit union, and I'm not handing my money to Chase or Bank of America or (shudder) Wells Fargo or any of the other chain-store money-lender maggots around here, so what can I do?


  1. On behalf of the Canadian people, I apologize for the stupidity of the Toronto Dominion Bank.

  2. Find another credit union. They are not all that bad.