Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Is there an App to help this woman discover where her life went?
So your adowable wittle daughter walks up to you five minutes before you are supposed to be bundling her into the SUV and taking her to school and announces that it's "Dress Like a President Day." You panic for a moment, before you remember that your other Little Helper- the one that doesn't come in a bottle and isn't prescribed by the understanding doctor downtown- can show you a picture of the eighth president in about three seconds.
So you find out what Van Buren looked like, whip open a few drawers, and in about ten minutes you've put together a passable costume for little miss Wait Till The Last Damn Minute To Get MommyWife To Do Your Homework For You. She shows well at school and, more importantly, you don't look like a failure in fulfilling your MommyWife duties. Adowable Wittle Daughter gets dropped off at school and you can get back to your medication and interviewing housekeepers.
Here's another option- "Well, honey, I'm sorry you didn't mention that earlier- I'm sure your teacher told you about this days or even weeks ago. It was your responsibility to at least tell me about this long before now. We might have had a very good time researching Martin Van Buren, learning about his life, learning about the style of clothing of his period and, of course, learning what he looked like. We could have gone to the local craft store and picked out just the right things to make our costume, and we could have spent a very nice weekend afternoon putting it all together."
"I guess now you expect me to just pull up an image of Martin Van Buren on my tablet, and a costume and makeup for you to wear out of my ass. But I've got a much better idea. I think it's time for Adowable Wittle Daughter to learn a little lesson in responsibility. You see, Mommy has a lot of stuff on her mind every day- there's stuff to be bleached, there's meals to be cooked, there's cleaning staff to order around, there's shopping to be done, there's stuff to be bleached....Sob....."
"Sorry about that. So you are going to school today in your regular clothes, and you can explain to your teacher why you totally forgot to plan for your Martin Van Buren costume. I'm sorry you will look bad, but this is an important lesson. I know it seems that Mommy lives to cater to you and your father's every goddamned whim and doesn't have a life of her own, or dreams of her own, or ANYTHING of her own....Sob....but it just isn't so."
"Where the hell did those pills get to?"