Saturday, February 9, 2013

Identity Thief; stealing time from people who weren't using it anyway

Full disclosure: There are people very close to me who have said, in so many words, that they are wetting their pants in anticipation of this movie because OMIGOD IT LOOKS SO FUNNY ROTFLMAO LOL!!

In my defense, I'll add that if these people happen to be related to me, it is  BY MARRIAGE ONLY.  Maybe they share my last name but I'm NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR UTTER TASTELESSNESS, OK?

Anyway, I must say that I really do appreciate it when trailers scream Don't See This Movie Unless You Are a Glue-Sniffing, Knuckle-Dragging Inbred Who TiVo's  The Big Bang Theory and King of the Nerds and thought that the cartoon Archer was funny for more than fifteen minutes three years ago.  So a tip of the hat to the makers of this one; if I lay down ten bucks to see this ninety minutes of predictable, banal crud (not to mention, sitting in a freaking theater with people who would lay down ten bucks to watch this junk and LAUGH AT IT,) well, shame on me, because I can't claim I wasn't warned.

Because it's not like this doesn't let me know exactly what this movie requires:  total suspension of disbelief, including being willing to accept the notion that the way to combat the theft of one's identity is to hunt down the thief yourself.  It also requires the embrace of every hackneyed, beaten-to-death cliche concerning what is supposed to be "funny:"  Fat women.  Bug-eyed, perpetually perplexed white guys.  Clueless cops.  Explosions.  Car crashes.  And punches to the throat- lots and lots of punches to the throat.  As implied in the previous paragraph, the only thing I can imagine more unpleasant than watching this crap is spending 90 minutes in a dark room with people who are enjoying it.

Meanwhile, I'm sure this tub of warm pus will be a big hit.  I live in an amazingly stupid country after all, surrounded by people who think they are smart because they can read the Dollar Menu at McDonalds, personalize their iPhones with their "favorite Geico character," think Maxwell the Pig is hilarious and sent a Get Well Card to the AFLAC duck.  There's a huge market for Lowest Common Denominator sludge like Identity Thief, which is why we should brace ourselves for at least three sequels right now.

Well, at least the bottom-feeders will have something to laugh at until someone revives the Saw series.


  1. I think that this would actually be a good way to revive the Saw or Hostel series, by doing a sweet bait-and-switch. The movie presents itself as a road-trip comedy, but as soon as the guy find the thief and gets her in the car, she wakes up in a dingy basement and the movie changes to torture-porn. I would find it entertaining in that I firmly believe that the kind of over-the-top violence that gets perpetrated to people in torture-porn films is, frankly, pretty justified to an identity-thief who ruins people's lives.

    1. I will never watch this film, but I'll go to my grave certain of two things regarding it:

      1. By the end, we are supposed to be rooting for the Identity Thief, and
      2. The writing is nowhere near good enough to pull this off, except to the glue-sniffing troglodytes the film is geared toward.

  2. I hate to say it, but I'm afraid I just might go to the theater to see that movie! I'm not proud of myself, but I am an ..... American :( LOL!