When you buy into the idea that the "Ultimate Casino Experience" involves staring at your phone in the dark as you play virtual video games and bet on sports, you have a very serious problem and you need professional help.
I thought the "Ultimate Casino Experience" might involve flying to Vegas, getting a room at a 4-star hotel, and having fun playing some blackjack and taking in a show. I didn't know it looked a lot like being a dateless addicted loser as obsessed with staring at your phone as any preteen at the mall, at the park, or....well, anywhere, actually.
Showing a bunch of people crowded around the phone or tablet doesn't convince me that online gambling is a social exercise, sorry. Gambling is a life-ruining addiction more pervasive in 2025 than meth or crack and if it hasn't overtaken alcohol it probably soon will considering how every sporting event is working overtime to get us hooked. I can't remember the last time I saw a baseball, football or basketball schedule that did not include betting lines, or the last time I watched a pregame or postgame show that was not sponsored by an online gambling company. I don't think it was more than a decade ago, but it feels like forever.
Remember those old H&R Block Commercials for what were deceptively referred to as "Rapid Refunds?" You know, where the tax preparer would give you a loan based on your expected tax return and you'd walk out of the office convinced that you'd made a good deal because you "got your money early? Because you're an idiot who didn't realize that you'd just handed over part of your refund to the tax preparer along with his fee?
Notice all those places offering Payday Loans? You know, where poor people go to borrow money at outrageous interest rates in order to tide them over until payday, pretty much assuring that they'll stay in debt permanently? It's basically my Exhibit A for every "it's expensive to be poor" lecture I give.
Well, it's the 21st century so now we've got Earnin, an app that seems to allow you to access your money as you earn it but which actually just fronts you money in exchange for a small fee tip. Because budgeting and living within your means and not spending money as it comes in is such a Boomer thing to do.
What you're not supposed to notice is that you are paying for the "convenience" of having money ahead of payday. This is absolutely NO different from Rapid Refunds or Payday Loans. It's just wrapped in an attractive package promising "freedom" and conning you into thinking you're just getting YOUR money as YOU earn it. It's the opposite of Responsible and the epitome of Stupid. Which is why it's so popular in this Very Stupid Country.
By the way, I don't think that these "services" are "preying" on anybody. Using them is a choice, and I'm not paternalistic enough to think that people should be shielded from making stupid choices. I don't want anyone telling me what to do with my money, so I have no desire to tell people what to do with theirs. I just don't want to hear the inevitable whining when this all comes crashing down. Made, Bed, Lie and all that. I mean, I AM a Boomer, after all.
1. This guy just plows through a lawn I guess, jumps out and announces "I'm the director." I guess he's late? I guess there are no parking lots here?
2. Wait, he's not a director, he just has a small part in a movie about soccer? He's playing a referee who doesn't know anything about the sport, but he has at least one line he can't get right on the first take? I'm sorry but what the hell is going on here?
3. The actual director doesn't care because he's too busy drooling over the guy's Volkswagen. Personally, I'd be more interested in why this nobody parked his car there, but this is a commercial for Volkswagen so of course the focus is on the allegedly awesome, allegedly expensive-looking car. Thing is, nobody in the history of anything has ever been this impressed by a freaking Volkswagen, so this ad fails again.
4. "How much are we paying this guy" to show up late and flub a line? Um, too much. But we are supposed to believe that we hear the line because the Volkswagen looks like a luxury car that must carry a luxury price tag. Dude, it's a Volkswagen. I looked it up- apparently it's named "Tiguan" because that's a combination of the German words for leopard and iguana. I hope that's true, because the only thing that can make this commercial more unintentionally funny is the idea that a group of people in an office building in Berlin called it a day after coming up with this. There's not giving a f--k, and then there's "let's just combine leopard and iguana, we aren't curing cancer here."
There is little on TV or radio more cringe than commercials for MediShare, the "Christian Community" that claims to offer "Biblically-based" (gag) "help" in paying medical bills.
There is so much of this that just reeks of Cult thinking and hatred of the "outsider." Medishare's "community" consists of people who apparently think that there's something un-Biblical about actual health insurance (do they feel the same way about car insurance? Are they literally "Jesus take the wheel" types?) No doubt they shy away from insurance because they don't want to participate in a system that may pay for certain procedures they find offensive- you know, the ones that involve Evil Evil very non-Biblical Family Planning. So we have this blonde woman who sounds like her head is full of cotton candy and mythology bleating about how Medishare helps her and her family avoid the risk of funding medical care they disapprove of by pooling their cash into a very exclusive fund for Like-Minded Bigots who also bleat "Christian Values" and "Biblical" with sing-song voices and empty smiles.
I'd also like to know what hospitals and doctor's offices think of Medishare. I've never seen it listed among the actual insurance companies that work with the dentists, doctors, and physical therapists I've dealt with over the years. I strongly suspect that people who rely on Medishare are required to pay for services out-of-pocket and then request reimbursement from their Jesus-Endorsed Pastor Says So not-Insurance's automated menu.
Here's what I don't get about this woman in particular. If she really cares about "Christian Values," why is she trying to teach her audience about anything? I'm a male; I should not be taking instruction from this or any other woman. Why isn't her husband doing the talking here? He needs to apply the rod while the rest of us begin to gather up stones. It's Biblical, after all.
That's the actual tagline of the radio commercials- "It's Elvis week at Graceland!"
1. Isn't this like scheduling Red Sox Week at Fenway Park or Pope Week in Vatican City? Does McDonald's have a Hamburger Week? Does Hersheypark have a Chocolate Week? I mean, what the hell?
2. What are the other 51 weeks at Graceland about if they aren't about Elvis? Are other Rock 'n Roll Stars celebrated in those weeks? What exactly is going on here?
I mean, there's no indication that food is in any way involved in what I just saw.
This creepy adolescent member of this creepy family is literally playing with whatever he chose from America's Favorite Grease Trough. Oh wait a minute, he's not even playing with one of HIS selections- he took a piece of pig fat from dad's plate and is using it to perform some kind of....um...."magic" trick. I know it's supposed to be a magic trick because Awful Enabling Mom says it is.
Maybe that baby back rib is on the floor. It's probably on the floor. It's wasteful and stupid to treat calories like this, but the kid doesn't care and the parents don't care and probably the staff that reloads the Feed Bins don't care either because they stopped caring about anything a long time ago (it's a necessary defense mechanism for anyone who works at Golden Corral, America's Favorite WTF-Ever.)
1. I don't know what the guy in this ad does for a living, but he makes a very good salary because flight attendants don't make much and come on, look at that house. Are they just Friends with Benefits? Then why is he washing her clothes? Is that one of the benefits?
2. Let's pretend this is her house. She can afford a suburban palace, but she has only one work shirt? Aren't those provided by the airlines anyway? Stewards can have painfully long shifts; I would be surprised if they didn't carry spare shirts ON THE PLANE in case of emergencies. But she's panicking because she has to wear yesterday's shirt again?
3. If the shirt is still clean because it was washed in Downy, why didn't she have this reaction to its smell the FIRST time she wore it? Does it smell BETTER after an entire day's wearing than when it first comes out of the dryer? What the hell is going on here?
4. In an age where people are getting fired for making Tiktoks while being inappropriate while on the job, I'm not sure what she does next lands very well. Girl, what the hell are you doing? When you wear that shirt, you represent the people who sign your paychecks. Can you try to remember this before you act like you're making an OnlyFans at your place of employment?
The commenters on this ad get it right, especially the one that suggests the guy should NOT drink that coffee before checking it for arsenic. I'd go one better and have a mechanic come over to check the breaks on his car, too, because this woman is a Black Widow in the making.
Her "horrible dream" doesn't involve being left without a husband and her child being left without a dad. It's them being left without enough money to maintain the lifestyle he provides. It was a "nightmare" because dad's unbelievable selfishness in getting himself killed in a car accident before signing up for life insurance left her actually having to go back into the work force to pay for all the stuff he currently pays for. Did she wake up upset about losing her husband? No, she woke up upset about the sudden upending of her financial situation.
Fortunately, Dad is pretty clueless and not really listening- or has become numb or really good at filtering what his scheming, gold-digging, Machiavellian wife says to him, and quickly buys into the idea that he should buy a lot of life insurance.* Why a relatively young, apparently healthy man would buy from a company that offers insurance without any medical examination I can't explain; it's pretty much the same as a person with an 800 credit score, money in the bank and credit cards getting his tv and furniture from Rent-A-Center, but whatever. Dad now knows that his wife will sleep peacefully at night, knowing that if he's in a terrible accident- the brakes fail, or he falls down a well with no witnesses around, or he mistakes mysteriously tasteless rat poison for creamer, there are so many ways a person can Accidentally Die which do not violate the conditions of a life insurance policy, after all- his wife and kid can continue to live in that big house and drive the Lexus SUV he got them for Christmas last year and not worry about bills. If they need physical labor done around the house, Ralph the neighbor across the way whose wife died in a tragic taco-eating accident last year is always available to help out, he's so friendly and nice and come to think of it, he works for Ethos Life man it's a small world.
If you find yourself driving away from a dealership in a new car worried that you've somehow pulled a fast one on that dealership that will get you in trouble with the law, I have some news for you:
1. The salesman played you like a fiddle and you haven't read the fine print.
2. You are an absolute moron who probably thinks that scratch off tickets and online gambling are good, affordable fun.
3. (closely associated with #1,) you have no idea how much you paid compared to how much that Rapidly Depreciating non-Asset is actually worth.
4. The most charitable thing I can say about you is that you are an actor in a Hyundai Commercial and you are being paid to pretend to be ridiculously enthusiastic about your purchase of a freaking Hyundai.
And if you AREN'T an actor in a Hyundai Commercial, well....I really don't know what else to tell you except, no, you have not Beaten the House at the dealership. Knowing nothing about the "deal" you made, I know with absolute certainty that you paid too much, not too little, and the dealership is not wondering how on Earth you got the better of them because that did not happen and has never happened in the history of Anything. You don't have to hide out anywhere. Nobody is coming after you. That won't happen until you fail to make payments at some point in the next 72 months of the contract and the repo man is hunting for that Hyundai at the behest of the dealership or the bank. THEN you'll be needing the use of your mom's garage to hide it. Moron.
"Hi, I'm Alex Trebek, and I wasn't satisfied with being a world-famous multi-millionaire cultural icon as a Senior Citizen. I decided to adopt the philosophy 'there's no such thing as enough money' and decided to sign on with Colonial Penn to scam Senior Citizens afraid of burdening their loved ones with burial costs into parting with some of their fixed income and buy nonsense garbage 'life insurance.'"
Now that Trebek is dead, his grift has been taken over by other aging celebrities who are trusted faces to the television-addicted, mostly lower-middle-class Over-65 crowd. These cretins show up hundreds of times a day in cheap commercials mainly broadcast during the daylight hours when only Seniors and small children are watching to stoke the fires of anxiety among the elderly who for some reason are concerned about what happens when they die and the kids who never visit get stuck with a bill. Maybe they are afraid that their ridiculously expensive, selfish burial requests won't be honored and the kids will cremate them or the very most pay for a less-pompous Memorial to their Mediocre Lives than the elderly person asked for, as if it matters one tinker's damn what the stone above the corpse box looks like.
So the elderly person who regularly complains that their Social Security payments are too low decides to splurge on $9.95 a month to buy Colonial Penn Life Insurance. This will teach the kids to stop complaining about the weekly scratch-off purchase, as it's an even worse investment than the lottery. $9.95 buys one "Unit" of insurance, which if purchased at the age of 50 (and NOBODY buys Colonial Penn life insurance at the age of fifty, come on) will pay off a whopping $1600 when the idiot passes away. Just about covering the cost of the cold cuts, soft drinks and coffee served at the Wake.
Maybe. That's assuming that Colonial Penn even pays out before the funeral and burial. Chances are excellent that you'll still be filling out forms and calling automated voice menus long after grandma has been placed under her Very Disappointing Dead Person Buried Here Sign Made out of Stone. If the beneficiaries followed instructions, that tiny amount of money will HELP pay the bills still coming in for the Opposite of Birthday Party. If the beneficiaries had more common sense than consideration for the wishes of a person who is no longer here to complain and literally has no way of knowing or caring what became of their (hopefully mostly harvested) organs, the check from Colonial Penn makes a significant dent in the debt accrued by the passing of the insured.
In the long run, the much better option is to just stick $10 a month into a regular interest-bearing account every month and skip the Colonial Penn Middlemen. If you do this at the age of 60 and live to the age of 81 like the average American Woman (and these commercials heavily target women,) you'll have over $2500 to leave to the person you designate to handle your funeral (you know, the child you like the least.) If you opt for cremation like a sensible person, and I'll really take your "I don't want to be a burden" claims seriously.
1. There are only two possible reasons why Webull would be the Official Financial Advisors (or something, I'm not watching this again) of the Tampa Bay Rays. First, Webull could be too small to attract sponsorship from a good ballclub. Second, all of the other teams already get financial advice from companies people outside the Tampa area have actually heard of.
2. There's an ad running during Rays games showing every big moment celebrated by the team in it's 27-year existence. It's about 20 seconds long.
I suppose a "classic" American Boardwalk must include the following ingredients: At least several dozen places to get ice cream, pizza, French fries, and hot dogs, at least one arcade which includes video came consuls from the 1980s, at least a dozen places to buy trademark-violating custom-print t-shirts,* and at least at least a dozen or so tiny convenience stores selling candy, chips, soda, cigarettes and beach toys, chairs and umbrellas at ridiculous markups. It's also important that the "classic" American Boardwalk include at least several restaurants and bars featuring outdoor patio seating and a karaoke-quality steel drum band (dealing out daily doses of Margaritaville and Sweet Caroline.)
Hampton Beach has all this stuff in spades, so yeah it qualifies as a Classic American Boardwalk. And for maybe the 40th summer in a row it's where I'll be the last week of July, so no updates here until next weekend. Enjoy the archives and please, if it's not too much trouble, click on an ad from time to time!
*If it's a Presidential Election Year, the t-shirt shops are dominated by Conservative/Republican crap; since 2016, appealing heavily to the MAGA cult crowd. New Hampshire may be a (barely) blue state, but the clientele at Hampton Beach is largely redneck and predominately Stupid. Still like the beach, though.
The narrator keeps saying "checkers." Except for the checkers-like pieces, playing this game is nothing like playing checkers. It's Tic Tac Toe.
"Pretty sneaky sis" after having to have sis's win explained to him doesn't give me much hope for the future for this boy. I hope he turned out ok, but jeeeeeeeeessssh kid.....
Today this blog went past the 4 million view mark. Only took fifteen and a half years!
1. I suppose it's conceivable that way back in the halcyon days of 2007 it was still considered an ok idea for a girl to have a guy she doesn't know show up at her front door to take her on a blind date instead of meeting him in a public place with transportation to and from that public place arranged in advance, but I kind of doubt it. Maybe it helps that both the guy and the girl in this ad (and the video quality) suggests that the guy and girl are living in the 1980s, but YouTube tells me this is from 2007. Maybe it was just posted in 2007 and the commercial actually dates to the 1980s? It certainly has that vibe. In any case, this is a bad idea in the 1980s, 2000s and today. Don't do this, lady.
2. The guy immediately lays down the law- he's not spending any more than ($30 if this is set in 2007, $15 if it's set in the 1980s) on this date, and if this girl can't deal, she should just close the door on his face right now. I'm 100 percent in favor of her closing the door on his face right now, because in either fifty or 17 years unless he grows some confidence and has that chip surgically removed from his shoulder he's not going to be showing up at the doors of unfamiliar girls unless all the girls he actually knows already have restraining orders against him, and he's going to be spending most of his evenings on Alpha Male Incel forums complaining about Chad.
3. The girl is totally charmed by this guy's "I'm broke, I know you don't respect me so I'm just letting you know I'm not spending money on you so if that's not something you can deal with just let me know so I can run home and complain about You Modern Women on the Socials" speech and would love to go out for a cheeseburger, soda and movie, never mind that her date has just let her know that he has the self-esteem of a goldfish and thinks that because she has female body parts she's a gold-digging grifter Like The Rest of ThemTM. So she's even more desperate than he is? At least respond with "ok that's fine, and I'm letting you know straight out that I am NOT letting you in my pants tonight and it has nothing to do with the car you drive or the amount of money you spend on me. It's got to do with the fact that this is a first date but more, that you've already revealed yourself to be a woman-hating creep. And I'm sorry I was dumb enough to arrange for you to meet me at my address, and I'll be driving myself to McDonald's and then the movie and then home to change my phone number."
I have never in my entire life been as excited about anything as much as these people are over the prospect of being able to accrue debt at a lower interest rate. I wish I could work up this level of enthusiasm over something- anything. But then, I didn't go to an Etsy shop to order a t-shirt emblazoned with my credit score,* so I guess me and fun are never in the same room.
*the average American's credit score is 715. I have no idea what that first couple is excited about. A score in the mid-600s is nothing to fist-pump about. NONE of this is is anything to fist-pump about. Or dance about. I don't know what is going on here. But I wouldn't go outside wearing a "Credit Score 645" shirt.
Here's a clue: Taking a piece of plastic garbage, painting it green, and giving it a duckbill might make it a pretty, cute piece of garbage but it doesn't make it any more than a cute piece of garbage.
Also, there is no way to make vacuuming "fun," no matter how adorable or light the vacuum is. If you are wandering around looking for little messes to clean up you are lost and you need to break free from whatever cult brainwashing you've gone through.
Also, if you really think that anything recharged with a USB port can generate this level of suction power for more than a few minutes before it needs to be plugged in again for several hours/days, well, you have a lot to learn about the laws of thermodynamics. This is as credible as the pocket-sized aqualung thingee that was supposed to let you breathe underwater for hours or the umbrella that used air to deflect the rain or the tiny portable air conditioners that can make your backyard feel like a frozen tundra during a heat wave. Sense it does not make. Creating a "vortex" (because that sounds cool) takes a large amount of energy, which means you need a big, heavy battery or a power cord connected to an outlet. Sorry, but there is no third alternative and until Physics Itself is turned on its head, there won't be.
In short, Horsepower Duck is a really stupid, really obvious scam and I wouldn't be at all surprised if it sold a million units and made some Shark Tank Dropout really, really rich. Because come on, we are a very dumb People.
Hey look- not only does this clown commit to spending a ridiculous amount of money over a ridiculous amount of time* on a ridiculously overrated Point A to Point B-mobile, not only does he skip out on the job he'll rely on to pay for it to complete the purchase, but he does it with a huge shit-eating grin on his ridiculously punchable face.** Some, please, punch this guy's face.
When that someone gets done punching this guy's face, remind him that between 19th century-level tariffs and deep gashes in the social safety net, a lot of people are hurting right now and are struggling to pay for the absolute basics- food, housing, and medical care. A version of December to Remember ads in the middle of the summer is hardly a welcome sight. Every day Americans commit to spending too much money on BASIC, USED automobiles because for most of us, a car is a paycheck-devouring necessity and not something we buy so it will look good in our driveways and show well for our trophy girlfriends/wives.
*a base trim BMW X5 starts at $69,310- and this is being advertised as a DROP of $10,000 over last year's version. With no money down, that translates to $825 per month for SEVEN YEARS. That doesn't include interest*** and more important it doesn't include insurance, which I should not have to tell you is astronomical on cars like this. Realistically, we are talking about an investment of at least $1200 a month over eighty-four months, or a ridiculous one hundred thousand dollars- for a depreciating asset. Buddy, nobody should be buying cars like this. But the absolute LAST thing you should be doing is playing hooky on your job to do it. Dealerships are open on weekends and they aren't going to run out of Stupid, Ruinous Impulse Purchases with Wheels, moron.
**has he even finished paying the delivery fee on that trophy wife yet?
***not one American in a thousand will qualify for the advertised 2.99% interest rate, though probably a much higher number of Americans reasonably in the market for cars like this will. That 2.99% interest rate is for "Well-Qualified Buyers" who have FICO scores above 750. The average FICO score in the United States is 715, and that almost certainly translates to an interest rate much closer to 7.40% (the current average.) I've done enough research today, so YOU do the math on this one. You can't afford this car. Nobody can afford this car.
Way back in 2002, the Major League Baseball All-Star Game ended in a tie, and you'd think that the Munich Agreement and Non-Aggression Pact had been announced at the same time. The sky fell, the Professional Outrage Merchants did their thing, and for reasons that apparently didn't need to explain SOMETHING had to be done to prevent this ATROCITY from ever happening again.
At no point was it suggested by anyone in the media that the All Star Game was just an annual fun ritual that traditionally meant absolutely nothing and should not be taken as anything except a celebration of the most popular players in the game (not necessarily the best, because fans vote and fans are stupid.) No, this was SERIOUS and a CRISIS was at hand and baseball itself had been BETRAYED because a game that did not appear in the standings, featuring plays that did not appear in any official stats, ended in a tie.
The response was to ruin the All Star Game for more than a decade by giving it stakes: The winning league would have home-field advantage in the World Series. Never mind that for 90 percent of the players this meant that they were supposed to play hard for a natural rival (listen up, Pirates fans! The Dodgers and Braves need you to win this one! Hey Oakland player in the outfield- you'd better hustle! The Yankees and Red Sox are counting on you!
Well, that was a crap idea that (thankfully) ended up in the dustbin. This new one, introduced in 2022 but not noticed until a few days ago, is almost as bad; deciding a winner based on a mini home-run derby. Whatever, you might say. The game has gone back to having no meaning (as G-d intended) so who cares?
Here's the big problem: The ranting morons who comment on baseball for a living love the concept of ties being decided with Home Run Contests. I heard one yesterday say that he's "all for" adding this idea to the REGULAR SEASON, apparently because the disgustingly stupid automatic runner on second in extras isn't quite awful and insulting to the game already. We are literally one Commissioner Decision away from eliminating extra innings - with all of their drama- altogether in exchange for glorified batting practice.
I will give full disclosure here: I actually like the pitch clock and restrictions on batters leaving the box; it's sped up the game, made it more watchable and enjoyable, and opened it up to a larger audience of casual viewers who don't want to invest 4 hours. I get it and I approve. The automatic runner on second is an abomination which allows a team to win with two sacrifice flies and I'm sorry, that's stupid. But if baseball is so determined to shorten games that it's going to end ties with home run derbies maybe it's time to just close up shop now. And please, MLB yakkers, stop promoting this idea like it's the greatest ever; when you do that, you're just admitting that you were never actual fans of the game you are paid to talk about, just witless gushers love home runs and nothing else about the greatest sport ever. You disgust me, but you are welcome to be bored when the ball is not leaving the park. Let's preserve what is left of the game's integrity before it turns into hockey. PLEASE.
I could have gone my whole life without once seeing a woman have a freaking orgasm in her car over disgusting greasy fried chicken, thank you very much. I mean, if you've set up your phone to let the world know that you are even eating this stuff from the driver's seat, you are going out of your way to advertise what a pathetic, desperate-for-attention loser you are in the first place. Adding little moans of bliss while consuming oily bird parts adds nothing to my life and not only do I wish you'd stop, I really really wish you had never started. Just gross.
For about five years in a row, Hersheypark was the go-to-on-the-way-back-from-DC-place for myself and my niece. She would celebrate the end of another school year by visiting me in the Washington area and we would hit up all the museums, the zoo, take in a game at Camden Yards, and maybe catch a movie (the last one we saw was the Jurassic Park film that came out in 2018, I can't remember what it's called because they are all interchangeable now.)
Then she had kids, and the visits South came to an end. Instead I visited Pompeii, Ireland and Sicily before heading to Vermont for a summer of landscaping, swimming and wandering the beaches of New England.
Now we've decided that the children are old enough to start their own adventures in and around the Nation's Capital, so this morning we are all packing up and heading to Maryland for a week. We'll do All the Things, including catching a game in Baltimore, before returning home via Hershey a week from today. I'll enjoy Hershey Park especially, as long as it's ok that I just hold stuff while the others ride the rides; I'm not a rollercoaster person. The "Welcome to the World of Chocolate" ride at the visitor's center is wild enough for me. :>)
Please wish us safe travels and enjoy the archives while I'm gone!
Having long ago fried his last brain cell, and wasted his youth, consuming ultra-processed fat and sugar until his entire life is spent in a dull carbohydrate coma- a sort of waking nightmare, if you will- this guy is now going to wander around pondering the mystery of chicken in a taco. Past generations split the atom and harnessed the power of the sun, and there are still people out there creating actual value for society. This guy is going to stare at a pile of warm garbage in his hand and try to remember a time when he was able to solve complex problems and make plans beyond "use Uber Eats to order Taco Bell"- you know, before his cognition when all to hell, short-circuited by nutrient-free sludge delivered in a bag with a bell on it.
I just wish he wouldn't vote. Stop voting, idiot. Or if you insist on voting, start voting for candidates who want to rein in the price of healthcare. You'll benefit, believe me.
So it turns out that it wasn't hard at all to find a few people willing to admit not really caring about the particular brand of warm, bland carbohydrates they last fell asleep eating in front of the television while contemplating the wreck that had become of their lives.
Turns out that if they are told it was Dominos, well, then, sure, what the hell, it was Dominos, who cares? And when they are told "PSYCH! It wasn't Dominos! It was some other brand of life-shortening tasteless garbage with extra nutrient-free dairy product jammed into the middle of pasty white dough, but it wasn't Dominos!" the response is generally "oh really. That's not at all interesting. I really don't care. Is this a national campaign? How many times am I gonna be on TV?"
All of these people are putting in minimal energy to project surprise, and all of them are failing miserably. Because come on, if they are regular consumers of delivery stuffed-crust pizza, their energy levels are in the tank right next to their will to live. By the way, what happened to that weird fat creep who seemed to live exclusively on Pizza Hut products last football season? Did he die? He died, didn't he?
I mean, I think it's unintentional...but maybe the lack of sound is not an error in posting? Maybe the silence is supposed to ramp up the drama?
As it is, seeing this guy act like he's on the verge of un-aliving himself because he has to make a decision concerning paint colors leaves me very, very concerned. Like, never mind owning a business- I'm not sure that you're ready for Adulthood yet, buddy. It's not a big deal. Go with green. Green's nice. And if it's not your decision- if the client changed her mind on the colors she wanted, well, sorry but this cannot be the biggest headache you'll ever face as a sainted Small Business Owner. Again, you might not be ready for this whole Adulting thing. You sure as HELL aren't ready to run a business.
When don't have money but you have credit, you use a credit card.
When you don't have money or a credit card but you do have a job, you go to American Acceptance.*
When you don't have money or a credit card or a job but you do have a car, you go to the Title Loan place.
When you don't have money or a credit card or a job or a car, you start bringing your belongings to the Pawn Shop.
Eventually, when you have nothing but debts and no way to raise money, I guess you turn to crime or the bitter charity of your friends, neighbors and relatives.
Wherever you are on this list, you do NOT walk around with a stupid smile on your face as if you are dealing with temporary, easily-manageable problems.** Your life is crap.
*Better hurry, though. The lawsuits against this particular company are beginning to pile up. The biggest issue seems to be hidden fees and outrageous interest rates, whodathunkit?
**Seriously, buddy, stop grinning. You have NOTHING to be happy about.
So it turned out that all those "banks" that cater to the one percent were lying to me- my credit score, the result of never paying my bills on time, racking up huge debts on various pieces of plastic and eventually declaring bankruptcy, and basically being a complete deadbeat for years doesn't matter when it comes to buying a new car! As long as I've got a job with a regular paycheck that can be garnished/seized when I inevitably fail to pay for the current big purchase I want and therefore need because I want, I can get a car just like the other grownups!
I just need to come up with an $800 down payment, which I can get with a quick call to Fast Cash or QCPawn.com or Cashpoint or any number of Instant Money No Catch Unless You Consider Ridiculous Interest Rates To Be a Catch services. And I won't have to deal with negotiations and calls to banks and all that annoying stuff once I find the car that makes me look good in the neighborhood; in thirty minutes I can be driving off with a car because the biggest Buy Here Pay Here dealership in Nashville handles it's own financing. I understand that every franchised dealership in the United States also has financing but that has nothing to do with me because my stupid credit score locks me out of those places.
This place treats me like a real person. A real poor, desperate, economically illiterate person. A person who thinks they are doing me a favor when they take my $800 and have me sign a contract locking me into a $800 per month, 84 month payment plan at 39.9% interest which maybe sounds kind of bad but today I only need $800. And a place to hide this car from the repo guy in a few months when Real Life hits me in the face again.
...and I have been a BIG fan of boxing for forty years.
Seven years ago, Deontay Wilder was the George Foreman of the modern era. The guy went 40-0 with 39 knockouts in his first decade in the pros, with the great majority of those fights ending inside of three rounds. The fact that he threw off-balance windmill punches you could see coming from a mile away didn't seem to matter, mainly because he was in the ring against tomato cans, most of whom began to look for a comfortable spot on the canvas to lay down from the opening bell.
Then, in 2018, he began to face actual professional heavyweight boxers, and the chinks in the armor became obvious. In winning his first belt he could not knock down or even seriously hurt a terrified, 100 percent defensive-minded Bermane Stiverne in winning a lopsided 12-round decision. Then he struggled to finish Luis Ortiz in ten rounds. And at the end of the year, in his first fight against an actual skilled fighter, he was lucky to get a draw against Tyson Fury, a blubbery, rusty, aging ex-champ looking to make a comeback after gaining fifty pounds and spiraling into alcohol-fueled depression.
Since that first Tyson fight, Wilder is 3-4 (1-4 in his last five fights) and has been knocked out (each time quite brutally) three times. He hasn't fought since last June, when he was pole-axed in five rounds by a guy who went on to be KO'd in his very next fight. The general consensus after that disaster was that Wilder's legs were gone, his balance was gone, his chin was gone, and he needed to just walk away from the sport which made him very wealthy before he found himself going down an all-too-familiar road for practitioners of the Sweet Science: In pursuit of One More Big Payday, becoming a punching bag and eventually dying young and broke and not in full command of one's faculties.
In a few days, Wilder- who once headlined Pay-per-View cards in Nevada, New York and the new capital of heavyweight boxing, Riyadh, will step into the ring in that famous Mecca of American Championship Boxing, Wichita, to take on Tyrell Anthony Herndon, a clubfighter with a record of 24-5 who has been stopped four times in his five losses. Somehow this is being sold as a Pay-per-View event despite being only marginally more legitimate than a Jake Paul "fight." Such is the power of a Name in this sport- the name being "Wilder" of course, since nobody knows who Tyrell Anthony Herndon is except that he's exactly the kind of fighter Wilder feasted on BEFORE he became a belt holder.
Other than a quick paycheck, it's hard to see what Wilder is getting out of this (and I'm quite certain that Herndon expects absolutely NOTHING other than the quick paycheck, except to wake up the next day with a bad headache and possibly a sore back from hitting the canvas at an awkward angle sometime in the first three minutes of the "fight.") But I'm afraid that he's aiming for another, bigger fight down the road with an actual professional who will batter him to a pulp but make his bank account fatter in the process.
It's said that boxers are the very worst among sports professionals at knowing when the tank is empty and it's time to hang it up and enjoy the kids and grandkids. There are endless examples of ex-stars who flamed out and fought on long after the glory had faded because it was all that they knew or had blown through their money with no thought for tomorrow. I'm afraid that Deontay Wilder is just the latest chapter in the saddest cliche of sports. For his sake, and for the sake of his wife and kids, I hope that he just wants to go out a winner and after he's plastered this guy Herndon this weekend he finds peace and something else to do with his brain. I'm not optimistic though. As I said, I've seen this movie many times and I know how it usually ends.
One of the very first commercials I covered in this blog-- way back in 2009-- was a radio ad for Blue Hippo, the amazing "service" that allowed people with bad or no credit to acquire laptop computers and printers with "easy, low" bimonthly payments (usually around $39.) Thousands of people signed up get these laptops and ended up paying massive markups for computers* that were outdated way before they were paid for- and that's if they were ever paid for, or ever even received.** Because as it turned out, the laptops were not sent out until a certain number of payments had been made (to build a "credit history") and many were never sent out at all. Almost nobody*** got the "free printer" that was "thrown in" to the "deal" because that didn't come until EVERY payment was made and sometimes not even then.
In short, Blue Hippo was a giant scam advertised on YouTube, late-night TV, terrestrial and satellite radio, etc. which sucked money out of the people who could least afford it and whose credit was so bad they couldn't even rent a laptop at the local Aaron's or Rent-A-Center. Yeah, that bad.
Comments are unlocked for this video, yet there are no comments. Which makes me think that Blue Hippo is a moment in time that everyone involved would like to forget. I apologize if this post triggers anyone, but I think it's important to note that while Blue Hippo is dead and gone the offers of expensive items to people with lousy or no credit is very much alive and well.
*That desktop monitor at 22 seconds in is hilariously huge.
**In 2009 Blue Hippo, Inc. was charged by the FTC with collecting more than $15 million in payments without sending out a single computer. The owner of Blue Hippo filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy, the Attorneys General of Maryland and West Virginia filed suits, and the company was ultimately ordered to pay restitution in the amount of $14 million to defrauded customers.
*** It's entirely possible that not ONE SINGLE CUSTOMER ever got this printer.
I mean, there is simply no way that anyone finds this commercial even remotely funny....but just look at the comments. Are these bots? Are they being ironic? Are these people just insane? Am I insane for "not getting it?"
Why would the scent of Downy fabric softener make anyone develop a weird muscle twitch? Why would this be a SELLING point for Downy? Isn't there a prescription medication being advertised that deals with pretty much this exact issue? Does whatever evil chemical company that sells Downy also produce that drug?* Am I being a conspiracy theorist here?**
Why is everyone such an idiot now?
*It's Proctor and Gamble.
**Proctor and Gamble specializes in "health and beauty products," but as near as I can tell does not produce pharmaceuticals. Doesn't mean there's not a conspiracy here. Which means, there's a conspiracy here.
I couldn't find a commercial for this site, probably because it doesn't buy ads anywhere; not even on YouTube. This online "mall" has been in existence for all of a month and "sells" everything from wellness products to those robot puppies which don't look a thing like the AI-generated images used to pitch them.
All indications are that Solymall is just another drop-shipping site which sells overpriced trash produced in a sketchy factory in Urban Southeast Asia to an unsuspecting- no, let's stop being charitable- gullible American public which thinks that ten dollars here equals a hundred dollars over there which explains how "hand-crafted" robot animals, "crystal" coffee mugs, infrared light muscle massagers, etc. can be put on the market for a fraction of what you'd pay in a store if they ever even tried to sell this crap in a store. Through the magic of AI imagery and a public dumb enough to elect Donald Trump TWICE, barrel-scrapers like Solymall can dump the cheapest plastic garbage into the Bloated, Stupid West because Americans can not be convinced that Asians aren't desperate to slave away to produce high-quality stuff for us because they need whatever we can spare. And because Americans are really, really dumb.
You aren't going to be getting a lifelike robot bunny or a crystal coffee mug that looks like stacked books or anything else for 70% off through Solymall. You are going to get cheap crap that isn't even worth the pittance you sent. And when you complain, you'll find that Solymall is unresponsive or- just as likely- nonexistent, having changed it's name but not it's mission. You don't think Solymall is the original name of this site, do you?
1. Did I really see this clown slap away a guy's hand using a spatula? Guys don't do things like that. Nobody should do anything like that. And this is just the first instance of "who the hell does this guy think he is?" in this ad.
2. Why can't this guy take a burger when he wants to take a burger? Why are we on the cook's schedule? Guys don't do things like this. Nobody should do things like this.
3. Why is the chef staring at his beer like he's never seen one before?
What if the guest wants his hamburger medium rare, or just pink, or cooked the way HE WANTS IT COOKED AND NOT HOW THE CHEF WANTS IT COOKED? Who the hell is going to eat that hamburger? Next time, just take the freaking hamburger and don't ask and if the chef slaps your hand away with a spatula ask him what his freaking deal is and why he's acting like he started drinking beer long before you or any of the other guests arrived.
"Why pay $839 for an air conditioner when you can pay $879 for this scam plus an air conditioner you put in once you realize that this thing is a scam?"
Seriously, how dumb do you have to be to think that this thing is going to do even one-tenth of what the ad says it will do? Last time I checked, a little fan + water doesn't equal cool air, it equals humidity. And you can make it light up in different colors? So what? Since when is the lack of neon anyone's problem with an air conditioner?
And how stupid do you have to believe that this stupid crapbox is going to accomplish anything plugged in outside on a hot day other than spiking your electric bill? And why does that little girl act as if she's never breathed before and is enjoying the experience for the first time ever now that her mom has spent forty bucks on a box fan you add water to? What the hell is going on here, anyway?
Oh right- what's going on here is an unintentionally funny Not Sold in Stores ad for a product only people who don't know how physics works would spend money on. People who think that $40 plus shipping for one piece of worthless trash is a bit pricey but two for $40 Just pay Shipping and Handling is a Steal. Those kind of people. You know, morons.
Am I the only person thoroughly disgusted by the use of language like "meet the new iPhone" and "say hello to the new iPhone" as if this piece of glass, metal and electronics is a sentient being that is going to be a true and trusted friend, every bit a part of my life as parents, siblings and other human forms that used to be part of people's lives until they were replaced by glowing boxes?
Does it not help at all that we see a person staring at their screen while in the driver's seat of a car? Is it even less helpful to note that there are literally thousands of Tiktokers who regularly post while actually driving their cars?
I don't want to "meet" the 16th version of your new phone, Apple. I've never owned an iPhone and don't intend to ever own one. Yes, I do have a Smartphone but it's something I purchased. I didn't "meet" it and I sure as hell never said "hello" to it because it's a freaking tool- kind of like the person who came up with this stupid, overproduced pile of garbage you call a commercial.
So I flew SW Airlines twice last week, and I've got some things to say. First, I'm going to slam the airlines, and then I'm going to take on the customers who deserve no better (I am the exception.)
1. I signed in online literally thirty seconds after getting the 24-hour notice to do so- and was assigned to the B group with the number of 15. Which means that somehow, seventy-five people managed to get in before me. This is simply not possible. And it's not that a bunch of people paid extra to get bumped up in line- there simply was no time for that. Plus, I actually RESERVED AND PAID FOR the seat back in FEBRUARY. So what the hell, SW? Is this just random or what?
(The steward joked that "C means center"- more about this in a moment- but in my experience, B means the same thing.)
2. It should not take half an hour for bags to move from plane to carousel. I know they fly free (more about THIS in a moment) but that doesn't mean that they should stay on the plane gathering dust while we customers wait....and wait...and wait...at the carousel.
Ok, now about the customers, who are just the most awful human beings ever and should be sentenced to wait at a SW Airlines carousel forever and always:
1. While on line, we were told- repeatedly- that if we were in group B with a number higher than ten or so there would be no more room for bags so we needed to CHECK OUR BAGS AT THE GATE. Seriously, I think the announcement was made five times and pointedly- like, "we aren't kidding, you aren't going to be able to put your bags in the overhead." So what happens when we are getting settled? At least a dozen people from my section and group C drag their big suitcases onto the plane and need to have them collected and removed and tagged, delaying our departure. What the actual hell, people? BAGS FLY FREE. Just CHECK YOUR FREAKING BAG IT WILL BE OK MORE THAN THREE FEET AWAY FROM YOU FOR A FEW HOURS.
2. Nobody wants to sit in a middle seat. Many, many passengers will simply have to sit in a middle seat. Wandering around the plane is not going to create a window seat and you sure as hell aren't going to find an aisle seat. Nobody is going to volunteer that seat you want. Sit. The hell. Down. In. A Middle. Seat. It will be Ok. It's only a few hours.
If SW Air Customers don't want to be treated like cattle, well, maybe stop acting like a bunch of dumb cows. Personally, I took a middle seat right up front between two very decent people who I will never see again and really can't remember now, less than 24 hours later. I got off the plane quickly because I was in the front. Yes, I had to wait for my bag at that carousel but so did you if you were in group B or C and I checked my bag beforehand and didn't make a royal pain of myself being obstinate and obsessive about it. What gets into these people?
...is that it's the only place to walk around during breaks if you are working at the Kansas City Convention Center. Of the cities I've visited to grade APUSH essays since 2008- Louisville, Tampa, and now Kansas City- the walking in this city is by far the worst. At least, it's the worst from the Convention Center, where I will be from 8 to 5 every day for six days next week.
Louisville has a nice waterfront and a minor league ballpark within a few minutes walk of its Convention Center. Tampa has an awesome River Walk complete with palm trees. Kansas City has-- Kansas City. Yes, there is a nice walking path behind the World War I museum, which is next door to my hotel, which is fine for early evening unless I want dinner, which means I have to plan to be back at the Center more than a mile away. But during lunch breaks? Forget it. The maze of wide hallways within the building is the best I can do unless I want to walk through an ugly gray urban landscape, stopping for walk lights every minute or so.
Kansas City is where I appreciate the hotel gym the most, and that gets four stars out of four from me at least. But I do miss taking the air as they used to say and which was one of the real advantages of Louisville and Tampa. Anyway, I'll be back the second week of June, please enjoy the archives while I'm away. And click an ad if you are feeling generous; if I'm going to watch commercials, they might as well provide me a little revenue, right?
Crumbl "Cookies" aren't even "cookies"- they are cakes. The company called Crumbl Cookies releases a new flavor of cake every single week and ships them out to their cult members....errr, customers, who are so super-dedicated to these thick, heavy piles of sugar that they rush to Reddit and YouTube, etc. to gush all over them whenever a new vid pops up.
These cakes have been compared to "fast fashion"- because the variety is so huge, and because the release dates are always on the way, the fan base locks in to the routine of weekly cookie delivery like wealthy people look forward to the latest clothing showing up. When I look at the nutrition label, I think of them more like the dependable delivery of drugs right to your door, because oh my god are these things terrible for your body. Crumbl "cookies" can have up to 900 calories each and are stuffed full of cholesterol and sugar. They are something you might want to eat on your birthday or as desert on Thanksgiving. Weekly deliveries? Ick.
And if you don't care about your health, well, what about your wallet? These things run, on average, five dollars each. Five dollars. For a COOKIE. Oh, but you can have them delivered to your door in packs of six for $22.99. And if you are getting weekly deliveries of six cookies, please tell me that at least a dozen people are going to be helping you consume those cookies.
The first thing I thought when I saw these cookies was "ok, just another version of Cinnabon." The average Cinnabon cake has about the same number of calories as one of these Crumbl products. But it's not a great idea to eat Cinnabon on a regular basis, either. Yet apparently millions of people adore these cookies, order these cookies, consume these cookies, and FOLLOW these cookies on multiple social media platforms* like they are Taylor Swift or something. What is the matter with you people?
*check out the comments on this YouTube ad. Yes, I meant to use the word "cult." Again- what is the matter with you people? It's a freaking overpriced, unhealthy mountain of fat and sugar. Not the second coming of The Beatles.
On this Memorial Day Weekend it seems especially fitting to focus on the company that claims that it's overpriced pieces of Junk on Wheels are "Patriotic" because eighty years ago vastly different versions were used to defeat the Nazis or something.
But then again, Jeep is constantly asking us to ignore the fact that these boxes of glitchy garbage get consistently poor ratings across the board and just focus on the word PATRIOT ostentatiously stamped into the side in raised letters. That and the WWII imagery and the constantly waving American flags are supposed to distract us from the craptacular depreciation numbers and constant breakdowns caused by next-level Planned Obsolescence. And to ignore the fact that the current Jeep Patriot Sport Whatever is an SUV, not a "Jeep" by any traditional measure. The only "Jeep" thing about it is the word stamped on the side.
I could go out today and buy a brand new Jeep Patriot at my local dealer for $54,000. Or, I could buy a 2016 version with 69,000 miles on it for $9000. Remember what I said about "depreciation?" Or I could buy TWO brand-new Honda SUVs for the same price. Or I could just appreciate my current Honda Civic and take a bike ride. Guess how I'm going to Remember the Fallen this weekend?
*but only if the scoundrel wants to be left stranded while his refuge is in the shop. Again.
1. Katie W. hasn't got the slightest idea what the Director of the US Mint does in his daily job, but it sure sounds like it's something super-important and a responsibility that would only be given to a person who knows a LOT about money. It probably wouldn't even bother her to know that it's traditionally been a spoils system job given to a party hack in payment of political favors. It also probably wouldn't even bother her that of the 40 people who have served in the capacity of Director of the the US Mint, Philip N. Diehl is the ONLY one whose image is not available for the Wikipedia page listing past directors- and there's no image on his Wiki page, either. Makes me wonder if the guy being shown in the ads is an actor....
2. I notice that the name "Philip N. Diehl" shows up on the screen as a serious, sober-looking Corporate Type out of Central Casting strolls by in front of Probably an Important Government Building Even Though Diehl left his directorship a quarter-century ago but never speaks, leaving a great deal of plausible deniability. IS that Mr. Diehl? We aren't actually told. This is getting weird.
3. Katie W. thinks that gold coins are unique in that they are "tangible" and obviously thinks they are pretty because look she is playing with them with her grandchildren who are going to find this interesting for another 12 seconds before they remember why they hate visiting grandma. Property is also tangible, grandma.
4. Does anyone believe that if they call the 800 number to discuss the purchase of gold coins, the guy on the other end of the line is going to be a fat, balding, middle-aged man wearing a business suit who has instant physical access to actual gold coins that he can touch and hold up and describe in detail while he has you on the phone? Is this REALLY how you picture every phone call to US Money Reserve, Katie W? Do you also think that an actual human being is reminding you to listen carefully because the menu options have changed? You already have a reverse mortgage because you trust in the integrity of that nice Tom Selleck, guy, don't you? I mean he's a retired private investigator, he must know all about mortgages, right?
It's almost quaint to see an iPhone commercial featuring a voice explaining actually HELPFUL things one can do with their phones, like finding where one parked their car (just keep making the phones easier and easier to use, because that car-finding thing is most helpful to seniors who are, incidentally, the least like demographic to be in the market for an iPhone.)
Of course, this ad is also telling us that as the iPhone improves it will be capable of doing more and more of the thinking for us, allowing our brains to atrophy so we can become more and more dependent on iPhones. And there will be more and more ways to waste the brain cells we still have playing dumb games with each new update and each new App.
Eventually, we'd get apps for shopping and "gaming" (which used to mean losing an hour playing Candy Crush and Angry Birds but now means losing the rent at DraftKings.) And ordering takeout at a 30 percent markup. And watching stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. And doing it all while sitting. Lots and lots of sitting.
Two decades later, I'm not sure that Apple* has improved our lives any, and in fact I'm pretty sure it's been a destructive influence. But I don't think we get to complain that we weren't warned.
*maybe a silver lining is that once the tariffs hit, we'll have less money to gamble away? I'll leave that idea to the weirdos who think that they can find the bright side to every situation. I'm not one of them.
1. "I liked it because it had the same look as a Rolex Band..." first, how would you know what a Rolex band looks like when you've obviously been purchasing your watches in the Walmart "jewelry" aisle (when it's for a special occasion, like a wedding or a night out at the Golden Corral?) Oh right, you think it "has the same look as a Rolex Band" because that's what the infomercial told you, and because the voice was that of your Dear Leader From Whom All Blessings Flow, it must have been true.
2. "I thought that the watch would have the same integrity as the President...." oh, it does, Disappointed Customers. Exactly the same level of integrity, and not one bit more. Well, actually, once your watch stops working (any day now) it will still be right twice a day, which is more than you can say for the sexual predator/convicted felon/serial grifter who pitched it to you.
3. Do I feel even the slightest bit sorry for anyone who sent $650 in for a gaudy piece of junk because it (was supposed to have) Donald Trump's name on it? No, because Fools and their Money and all that. I don't care if these people complain about the cost of eggs in the next breath after whimpering that they spent "hard-earned money" on a trinket that lets their neighbors know that they are in the thrall of cult leader who know they are stupid, celebrates that they are stupid, and enjoys nothing more than kicking them in the face to hear them reply "thank you sir may I have another?"*
*You may, indeed, have another. And another. And another. There are still Trump bibles and Trump knives and a thousand other bits of nonsense actually stamped with this clown's actual name that you can purchase to show how....um...."Patriotic" you are, if "Patriotic" is Latin for "lacking functional brain cells."
Here's how this super-helpful company provides "peace of mind" to poor people who live every day with the fear of sudden car repair bills- they offer a plan which stretches repayment options out months or years Just Sign Here Never Mind The Interest Rate You Want Your Car Don't You?
So a poor person whose credit is so lousy that they can't even carry a credit card can use his job as his credit (a phrase I'm sure he's used to from all those trips to the Buy Here Pay Here car dealerships and Payday Loan and Check Cashing offices) and for as little as zero down and an Arm and a Leg in interest can get that car fixed and back on the road in no time. Yes, you're going to be making bimonthly payments ultimately amount to 2 or 3 times the actual cost of the repair but that's something you can worry about once you are back in the good graces of the credit industry, which will happen as soon as your investment in Powerball tickets finally pays off (it's just a matter of time, law of averages after all.)
This would be funny if it wasn't so sad, but I can't even work up a good closing line for this post. Let's all just keep on keeping on, I guess, and be glad we're not this guy (if we aren't already this guy.)
This guy won two Superbowl rings and earned tens of millions of dollars as a player and celebrity endorser, but the Greatest Day of his Life was when he won the "Kick of Destiny 3" challenge sponsored by a scammy gambling app. I guess this is supposed to be funny or entertaining and not at all cringe; we for sure are not supposed to think for even one minute about the people whose lives are being ruined engaging in this "innocent fun."
Eli Manning, Peyton Manning, David Ortiz, Kevin Hart, Jamie Foxx, Stephen A. Smith...you are money vampires, and therefore Suck. Also because you are vampires, you've got blood all over your hands. But I'm sure the extra handful of money to throw on the already-massive pile is worth it. Right?
Houston Astrosright-handerLance McCullers Jr.said he and his family were the subjects of death threats made on social media after he allowed seven runs as part of a 10-run first inning for theCincinnati Redson Saturday night.
A team spokesperson said the Astros notified the Houston Police Department and Major League Baseball security about the threats.
"I understand people are very passionate and people love the Astros and love sports, but threatening to find my kids and murder them is a little bit tough to deal with," McCullers said. "So just as a father, I think there have been many, many threats over the years aimed at me, mostly, and I think actually one or two people from other issues around baseball actually had to go to jail for things like that. But I think bringing kids into the equation, threatening to find them or next time they see us in public they're going to stab my kids to death, things like that, it's tough to hear as a dad."
Notice what is NOT mentioned here (or anywhere in the full article, please feel free to check it out on ESPN.com?) Any hint that the death threats may be coming from gamblers who have lost money betting on McCullers' appearances on the mound. No, those threats just couldn't be coming from people who have lost money - they must be from people who "love sports" and "love the Astros" and are just "passionate" about the game.
Why can't ESPN even acknowledge the gigantic, multi-billion dollar elephant in the room? Well, how could they? It's a major revenue stream. And as we all know, it's very easy for people to ignore something obvious if their income depends on their ability to ignore that something.
Sooner or later, ESPN BET and all of the other gambling platforms- as well as the celebrities who pimped out their credibility to pitch this life-ruining addiction and major league sports across the board- will have blood on their hands and will certainly respond with raised hands, a Pikachu face and a lame "nobody saw this coming, thoughts and prayers" bit of legal boilerplate. Because in the end, Capitalism is the only real morality and after all check out the very, very fine print at the bottom of all of these commercials. Butt, Covered.
1. Am I supposed to know who this young woman is? I looked it up, and it turns out that she's an Olympic Gymnast. Ok. I'm going to ask again- am I supposed to know who this young woman is?
2. Am I supposed to believe that a black guy working in the shoe section at a Dick's Sporting Goods would quickly recognize an Asian Female Gymnast like she's LeBron James or Pat Mahomes? I can suspend disbelief for some advertisements but this is a bridge too far, and we're not even at the worst part of the ad yet.
3. This woman can do a back flip. So can this guy, who I'm going to go out on a limb and guess is not an Olympic Gymnast. She responds to his feat by saying "that's cute," and then enlists CGI to defy gravity and show us once again that American Television is more than willing to toss physics aside in the service of showing up a guy in a contest* with a woman.
What is this ad trying to sell me again?
*a contest he didn't even know he was in. Without being prompted, this woman just barged in on a guy's work area and did a back flip. So he showed he could do one too. Instead of just acknowledging that he could do a blackflip, she decided to use computer magic to grind him into the dirt where I guess he belongs for daring to be able to do a backflip. Where is the part where I'm supposed to be inspired to buy sneakers or anything else from Dick's Sporting Goods? I mean, what the hell?
This one features the recently-passed George Foreman, who was worth more than $100 million when he died and did not need the check he got shilling for this lousy business, and certainly didn't need to worry about paying for home repairs. The people who buy in to this nonsense non-coverage certainly DO have to worry about sudden repair bills, and the very last thing they need is to be throwing money away on trash like "Home Warranties" which turn out to be every bit as worthless as Car Warranties (which, by the way, are no doubt sold by the same companies.)
Foreman sold his image to fake not-Medicare insurance, too, proving once again that for some people there is simply no such thing as Enough Money. I hope he enjoyed the quick payday and it landed with a splash when he threw it on the pile. Wherever he is, it's doing him precious little good now, isn't it? Meanwhile, yeah, those appliances will break and that roof will leak. I suggest a dedicated bank account to deal with such emergencies. I also suggest you ignore ads like this, regardless of which electric grill salesman is doing the pitching.
Stellantis- the multinational umbrella corporation for Chrysler which has owned Jeep since 1987 (did you get all that?) produces some of the very worst-rated motor vehicles sold in the United States. They are built entirely or almost entirely within the United States, which I guess allows Stellantis to peddle their purchase as some kind of patriotic act, complete with a very expensive spokesperson who actually owns a Jeep (along with a lot of other vehicles he can drive when that Jeep is in the shop. Very relatable.)
Besides producing this overpriced crap (the Grand Cherokee seems to be a particularly buggy model) and fending off class-action lawsuits from angry customers, Stellantis also produces such notorious garbage as Fiat and Alfa Romero- all gloss and glitter, no dependability. The company has become a punchline among car enthusiasts the way Ford (the company, not the actor*) was in the 1970s, 1980s, 1990s...oh heck, it's still a punchline.
*come to think of it, Harrison Ford's last big release was Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, which bombed hard, suggesting that he's no better at choosing film products than in choosing all-terrain vehicles. I bet the check for doing this ad is more than enough to pay the repair bill when the next piece of plastic on that Jeep breaks, though.
I could go all day, every day, without seeing repeated close-ups of these idiots- or ANY idiots- aggressively biting into greasy hamburgers as if some vendetta against bread and meat is being settled. Why are they attacking these cholesterol delivery systems rather than simply eating them? And why did one of these guys arrive with the burgers as if he committed a heist instead of just making a quick run to the Wendy's drive-thru? And who thought that showing these guys attacking their "food" to the sound of orchestra riffs would be entertaining or interesting or make the product look one bit less repulsive??
Why do they both look so angry?
Why are the bots in the comment section even more obvious than usual? I mean, come on. Nobody thinks this ad is good. Nobody.
I would like the option to zoom in on this commercial, touch the screen, and have it completely erased from my memory forever. I didn't ask for this, I don't want this, and I know I'm going to see it again so I'll have to make repeated use of that option because someone over at Apple thought that this was a good idea.
What the actual hell am I even watching this person do? Why is the other person taking these photos? Why is the subject of the photos so irritated that the person who managed to hold down her lunch while taking them accidentally showed up in one? What is the plan once the photos have been taken? Can I assume they are going to be shared because Everything Is Shared? But why? Is that just a dumb question only a Boomer would ask?
I just can't with this ad.* I need it explained to me, yet I don't want it explained to me. I'm just going to go outside and shake my fist at a cloud instead.
*and yes, I know why the comments are turned off. I'm sure the level of hate was ridiculous and I would not have contributed in any way; I don't care about the sex or gender of these people because it doesn't matter. This is a garbage ad regardless.
