Saturday, October 20, 2012
Samsung gives me a brilliant idea for a Bond Movie
I'm a reclusive multi-billionaire with an irrational hatred of civilization. Despite my many houses, private jets, gorgeous secretaries and army of minions, my principal goal is to wreck frightful havoc on the population. I don't really have a motive- but if Barbara Brocolli and Michael Wilson insist, I want another billion dollars or I'll carry out my evil master plan, I swear I will.
Here's my master plan: I've created a cell phone with a feature so repulsive, so antisocial, so downright rage-inducing that using it will trigger massive, uncontrollable violence whenever it is used. This device will allow the phone's owners to seize control of television screens in bars and at sporting events, and to project any image they want on to those screens.
Now, I know that society's ability to absorb the stunningly thoughtless, selfish actions of electronics-armed asshats has been repeatedly tested over the years, and may seem to have no limits. We've moved on from personal stereos that leak "music" throughout buses and subway cars to ridiculously loud ringtones followed by even louder "personal" conversations to streaming video accompanied by even more noise. Not to mention the ubiquitous Bluetooth blathering and zombie texting during what is supposed to be a date and you are supposed to be talking to me, the person who bought the lunch you aren't eating, not whoever is at the other end of the phone....
Sorry, rant over. Back to my post.
I'm convinced that my evil new device is the proverbial straw that snaps the camel's back. Unless I get that billion dollars, I'm going to drop several thousand of my phones over every major city in the United States, where they will be picked up and used by every witless jerk who will instantly think that they are the Coolest Things Ever, until they are righteously pounded into slushy pudding by people who were just trying to watch the game or carry on a quiet conversation (I think this still happens, somewhere.)
Better yet, I won't drop them randomly on to every major city. I'll make a commercial and sell the damn things. That way I'll get a billion dollars and instead of being labeled an evil megalomaniac, I'll be interviewed on MSNBC as an innovative genius.