Monday, October 29, 2012
You lost me at "Hello"
It all started in that high school football game when you accidentally avoided a tackle and some choad with a video phone caught it and responded by bleating "Hello," which I guess is the modern American version of "Wow." I liked "Wow" better.
Then the moron decided to post your stunt on to YouTube- no doubt under the Uber-Clever title of "Hello," and it, umm, "went viral." To speakers of the English language, that means it was shared all over the world. In modern parlance, it "got a lot of hits." I really hate the century I'm living in, but now is not the time for that particular rant, so I'll just go on.
Eventually, a scout for some Big Ten school caught your act on YouTube, and sent a recruiter to meet with you after a game (maybe the same game. Why not? I think the idea is that AT&T makes these things happen really quickly.
And before you knew it, you had agreed to accept a scholarship to come to the recruiter's college, pretend to take a few classes now and then, and play a lot of football. When you accepted the scholarship, you agreed that it could be cancelled after the first year, the second year, or the third year, so you'd better have a few more "Hello" moves left in you. You also agreed to that the school now owned your name, which it would plaster on everything from $5 sports drink bottles to $175 jerseys in the gift shop. You also agreed that the NCAA now owned your image, which it would use in video games for the next several years without handing over one dime in residuals to you. By the way, if you accept a free movie ticket or a discounted ride home for the holidays from a booster, you'll find yourself stripped of that scholarship and ineligible for the pro draft- must protect the sanctity of the scholar-athlete ideal, you know.
When it's all over, if you've been very careful and allowed the NCAA and your---umm, "school" to make big bucks off your sweat until both decided you were disposable, you have a roughly 1 percent chance of landing with an NFL team. Which means you have a 99 percent chance of being on the unemployment line until an assistant coaching job at the local high school opens up. Then you get to say Hello to life on a $19,000 annual salary.
But hey, awesome move in that game. You can check it out on YouTube.